Jonas Blogged

Tragedy/Miracle

2010-05-04T00:14:00.003+08:00

Tragedy:

It's the night before your physics test. You're panicking, and you tell yourself you'll study so hard you'll vibrate with studinessity. You end up spending the night watching Iron Man instead. You wake up completely unprepared and you swear to God if you had a time machine you'll go back through time and kick yourself in the arse for being so easily distracted.

Miracle:

The test turns out to be so hard that everyone, even those who prepared for it weeks beforehand, ends up screwing it up. You still fail, but you fail with the satisfaction of knowing everyone else failed along with you.

Tragedy:

You decide you want a drink so you slot in two one ringgit notes into the vending machine. You press the button and patiently wait for a bottle of coke to pop out. Nothing happens.

Miracle:

Hours later, your roommate comes in and screams, "I'm freaking lucky today man! I bought one bottle of coke from the vending machine and instead I got two!", to which he happily proceeds to share the extra bottle with you.

Tragedy:

You're talking to a hot girl and you tell her the joke about Haha and Hehe being friends (Haha died so Hehe went to his grave and said, "Haha, you're dead."). She is not impressed and there is a very awkward silence between the both of you.

Miracle:

You're talking to a hot girl.

Kuching Laksa is King

2010-04-28T01:01:00.012+08:00

It sucks not being a Kuchingnite.

We may not have the best malls or the tallest buildings or toilets with the sprinkly thing that squirts water up your butt, and we're named after the word kuching which is the Malay word for cats, a word we can't even spell properly, but hey, at least we have our laksa.

And that is enough. Kuching laksa is king.

All other laksa are little girls in comparision because Kuching laksa is king.

If laksa was around when James Brooke was still the White Rajah, he'd relinquish his throne and give it to laksa, so we Sarawakians would be the only state every to be ruled by a bowl of laksa, because Kuching laksa is king.

If there was a three way fight in the upcoming Sibu by-election between BN, Pakatan Rakyat and Kuching Laksa, Kuching Laksa would win hands down because Kucing laksa is king (and also MP).

Mr. Chong ak Choon should be made a national hero for opening up Chong Choon Cafe, home to the best laksa in the world, which is amazing considering all Kuching laksas are awesome and Kuching Laksa is king.

I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more just to be the man who walks a thousand miles before I'm at Chong Choon Cafe's door, because Chong Choon Cafe's Laksa (and Kuching Laksa in general) is king.

And that is enough :)

Snippets

2009-07-04T23:32:00.006+08:00

Day 1 In College:

Registered.
Went to room 312 and met new roommates.
Unpacked everything and left for lunch.
Returned to room 212 and said hello to more new roommates.
Realised I was in the wrong room.
Said goodbye to fake new roommates and walked out all manly-like.

Day 2 In College:

Woke up at 5.30am.
Took a bus to INTEC.
Attended talks and games for Orientation Week.
Took bus home.
This is where I sleep.

Day 3 In College:

Found dead bat on the floor.
Gave dead bat a funeral in the thrash can.
Wondered if I should become Batman.
Decided Iron Man is cooler than Batman.

Day 4 In College:

Repeat Day 3, minus dead bat and fantasies.

Day 5 In College:
Repeat Day 4, plus dinner at Darwood, a mamak place.

Day 6 In College:

Went to Midvalley Megamall with friends.
Got lost in Midvalley Megamall.
Got conned into buying a Touch n' Go card.
Took a Rapid KL bus in Shah Alam.
Got lost.
Took 45 minutes to travel 3km.
Realised I have no sense of direction at all.
Found room empty upon arrival home.
Turned off the light and went straight to bed.
Door banged loudly.
Found out I locked a roommate out at 12.30am.

Day 7 In College:

Had breakfast in Darwood.
Headed to KL.
Went shopping for clothes.
Optimus Prime has a penis.

So in the movie, was that scene where Optimus fought the three decepticons actually a foursome in disguise?

Hmmm.

My Irish Pot of Gold

2009-06-26T00:08:00.008+08:00

So I got a call from JPA two days ago telling me that I'll be going to Ireland instead of India. I was playing Guitar Heroes at the time and I still had the guitar strapped around me. It was then that I realised how bad my BM is when I'm panicked.

Me: Er..jadi, india itu...tak...umm...masih ada...india..uhh..

JPA Lady: Apa kamu kata? Saya tak dengar?

Me: Umm...jadi Ireland..uhh...bagaimana? Ah..itu India..

JPA Lady: Saya tak faham. Adakah kamu tidak berminat?

Me: Bukan, bukan. Terima kasih. Umm, uhh...

Then I mumbled something about not being able to talk properly because I was out (which I wasn't) and I asked if I could call her back and I put down the phone before I even got her name.

A few seconds later, I called back and a lady answered. I didn't know if it was the same lady so the conversation went like this next.

Me: ..uhh...kamu...adakah kamu orang tadi?

Then my mum got fed up and took the phone from me and proceeded to have a delightful conversation with her and all I could do was sit there while they made fun of my speaking ability and shred what little dignity I had left with me.

And that's how I found out I was going to Ireland.

I'll be doing my A-levels in Shah Alam, then I'll be shipped off to Ireland for 2 and a half years and then kicked back to Penang where I'll study for another 2 years. It's called a twinning programme, but I call it betsy, just because.

Registration begins on the 28th, so I have to shop, do my mantoux test, fill in my forms, get my hasil stamps and have them chopped, watch Transformers, and learn how to wash clothes and iron properly in 2 days. Which, needless to say, leaves me very little time to spend my last days in Kuching the way I intended to.

The last breakfast meal I had was a bowl of laksa from Chong Choon at Abell Road, and my last meal in Kuching was a half a bowl of wantan mee.

And now I'm in Shah Alam!

Why won't anyone write me a "Goodbye Jonas, I'll Miss You" tribute post? :(

India

2009-05-30T23:28:00.007+08:00

After years and years of making dumb stereotypical jokes about India and the people living in India, karma has finally caught up with me. I'll now be studying medicine in, you guessed it, India.

On the bright side, India is reknowned for its culture, food, Slumdog Millionaire and Jaiho, and its seemingly infinite supply of corpses for students to practise on. But on the other hand, it's also reknowned for Datuk Shahrukh Khan, Bollywood movies and Koochee Koochee Kuh Tah Heh, and its seemingly infinite supply of poo.

You don't mess with Shahrukh Khan.

Course, India has Aishwarya Rai to make up for that, so I guess it's all good.

Before heading there though, I'll be taking my A-Levels at Kolej Teknologi Timur in Sepang for a year and a half. This is how my future college looks like.

I'll be off by the 6th of July. I think I'm supposed to learn how to speak Tamil before somewhere along the way. Vanakam. I make a good Samy Vellu impression, wonder if that helps.

You don't mess with Katrina Kaif because she's mine.

I have a month left in Kuching. Bye bye everyone. Gabrielle Jee, you owe me breakfast if you're reading this.

A Jonas Brothers Post

2009-05-12T21:35:00.003+08:00

I always knew the Jonas Brothers band belongs in the same category as Miley Cyrus, Hilary Duff and Taylor Swift. Not the crap music catering for tweens category, the other one.

That one.

Gabrielle Jee Forgot to Thank Me

2009-05-09T09:39:00.002+08:00

See? See?

I am now happy.

Thanks to everyone except Gabrielle Jee :)

Life is good. Like box of chocolate.

I Am Seriously Untrendy

2009-05-03T21:16:00.017+08:00

Most Kuchingnites insist that Kolo Mee is the staple noodle of Kuching.

I'm still trying to convince people that Kampua Mee deserves that spot.

People say Zooey Deschanel looks like an imitation of Kate Perry.

I say Kate Perry looks like a cheap, trampy version of Zooey Deschanel.

Weird people call laici kang from open air market 'plain shaved ice, with sugar syrup, countable barley, bits of bloody jelly that I had to remove them and a few slices of dates that I somehow decided to abandon'.

I call laici kang liquid love in a bowl because falling in love feels like falling into a gorgeous refreshing bowl of laici kang.

Stefan thinks I'm lame because I can't stand Hitz.fm.

He's plays DOTA, 'nuff said.

Most of the guys in Kuching think guys who don't play DOTA are lame.

DOTA player in DOTA.

They play DOTA, 'nuff said.

DOTA player in real life.

A huge number of guys think Megan Fox is the hottest woman alive because she hangs out with cool giant transforming robots.

Bullshit, wait till you see who Zooey Deschanel hangs out with.

People suck.

Breakfast on Friday

2009-04-30T14:29:00.008+08:00

I woke up Friday morning with an itch on my neck. I think a mosquitoe bit me, so I scratched it and it got red and swollen and painful. I knew right then that something bad was going to happen.

Got into the car and drove off to pick up Ms. Gabrielle "Anything" Jee for breakfast because I was hungry and she's really pretty and having breakfast out alone is seriously sad. There was a mosquitoe in the car and I tried to get rid of it by opening the window.

The mosquitoe hates me. That or it's infatuated with me. Either way, it decided it'd rather stay in the car with me and the aircon. Even mosquitoes are scared of the heat.

I tried swatting it and almost got into an accident in the process. I got it though, so it was all worth it. Guy in Prado driving behind me should have understood my situation, but he's an idiot so he horned me instead. That was the second sign that something bad was going to happen.

Gab and I had laksa in Chong Choon after driving around aimlessly thinking of a good place to eat. Things went well, I asked her if she would like to go with me to find John Mayer's Continuum, and she said yes and we found ourselves in Spring where we had Starbucks and then in Hock Lee where a section of the carpark was closed leaving the entry playing the role of the exit too.

Still, everything was going well. I had good company, I had gas, I had a good cd playing the blues, I was beginning to think the itch and the mosquitoe and the guy honking were just random coincidences. I made plans to go to this piano recital thing that Lilian invited us to. Then Gabrielle called Stefan to invite him to it, and suddenly it all made sense.

The itch, the mosquitoe, the honking, the getting ~~lost~~ misdirected in Hock Lee's carpark...it all made perfect sense, signs indicating that something awful was seriously going to happen.

Course, I'm saving that for the next post cos this post is a HAPPY post. Hello Gabrielle Jee :)

I Suddenly Realised

2009-04-30T14:27:00.001+08:00

...that I am truly awesome :)

2009-04-02T22:01:00.007+08:00

Apologising is for Sissies (But Ah Well)

I am a pain in your ass
And I'm wondering how long it's gonna last
You're my mirror, you're my friend,
You're the workhouse of the energy of which I depend
So I took a walk
To make some sense
And I'm wondering if you fancy my advance
I have pushed you
Way too far
So you said, "Fuck you, don't bother me,
Who'd you think you are?"
Ah well,
Go to hell,
If I don't see you again it'll be swell,
I'm just kidding,
Couldn't resist,
~~Gabby~~ Megan Fox, you know I'd never intentionally try to make you pissed
So I'm sorry
Are we okay?
Do my apologies sound cooler if I say it this way?
And if you have
Second thoughts
About forgiving me then look at this picture of a panda I got
It is cute
Just like you
If I owned it, you know I'll name it ~~Gabby~~Meggy-poo

Are we cool? =)

JPA Interview Nightmares

2009-03-30T20:34:00.010+08:00

JPA Interviewer: Hello.

Me: Hello.

JPA Interviewer: Why should you become a JPA scholar?

Me: ...I don't know, I want to make the Bidayuh community proud?

JPA Interviewer: That's great! Say something to me in Bidayuh!

Me: ...

JPA Interviewer: ...go on.

Me: Nadai?

JPA Interviewer: That's Iban.

Me: ...those plagiarisers. They totally ripped that word off.

JPA Interviewer: I'm an Iban.

Me: ...I mean, I was referring to the Bidayuhs.

JPA Interviewer: You're certainly making them very proud.

Me: I think all Malaysians are equal. I want to make Malaysians proud.

JPA Interviewer: ...okay.

Me: I love Malaysia. Malaysia boleh!

JPA Interviewer: Would you mind if we sent you to study in a local university?

Me: Umm, actually, I was thinking of studying in Australia.

JPA Interviewer: Why?

Me: Because I think the education there is better.

JPA Interviewer: But you just said Malaysia boleh.

Me: ...

JPA Interviewer: Do you think Malaysia tidak boleh?

Me: I think all countries in the world are the same. I love the world.

JPA Interviewer: ...okay.

Me: Everyone boleh!

JPA Interviewer: Why do you want to study medic in Australia?

Me: Because I want to save lives.

JPA Interviewer: In Australia?

Me: Yes. But also other places.

JPA Interviewer: Any other reasons?

Me: I also want to meet the Crocodile Hunter.

JPA Interviewer: ...have you been keeping track of the news?

Me: Yes, I like being trendy and in-fashion.

JPA Interviewer: The Crocodolie Hunter passed away a long time ago.

Me: Excuse me?

JPA Interviewer: He died during a freak accident involving a sting ray.

Me: ...

JPA Interviewer: Do you still want to go to Australia?

Me: Yes. I think all crocodile hunters are the same. I love crocodile hunters.

JPA Interviewer: What do you think of Obama?

Me: Who?

JPA Interviewer: The current president of the USA.

Me: ....Obama is American?

JPA Interviewer: Yes, he replaced George W. Bush as president of the USA.

Me: ...Bush was president?!

JPA Interviewer: Yes.

Me: I am sorry, I only keep track of local politics.

JPA Interviewer: How come?

Me: Because I think the westerners are not democratic enough. They are a bad influence to me.

JPA Interviewer: But Australians are westerners, and you said you wanted to go there.

Me: I mean some westerners. Like Obama.

JPA Interviewer: Okay.

Me: I think we should be like Korea, that Kim guy. Asia for Asia is my motto.

JPA Interviewer: But you just said you think every country is the same.

Me: Oh, that is my second motto. My motto in life is to have many mottos.

JPA Interviewer: ....why are you giggling?

Me: Hehe, get it? Motor? Broom broom, vooooooooooooom! Honk honk!

JPA Interviewer: ...

Me: I like BMW and Lexus. Also that Mini Cooper.

JPA Interviewer: Thank you very much, that is all for today.

Me: You're welcome.

Gabrielle Jee Smells Like Crab

2009-03-26T21:59:00.003+08:00

I think Gabrielle felt guilty about me driving her around so much so she treated me out to lunch today at some Thai restaurant near her house.

This little frog saw her face and self-destructed on the spot where I parked.

Thai restaurants have it made. All they have to do is add the word 'thai' to any ordinary food item on the menu and boom, there you have it! Thai food.
Thai fried rice. Thai meehoon. Thai chicken. What next? Thai kampua mee?

She had Thai Olive Fried Rice. I had Thai Crab Rice. Both cost 10 ringgit. I offered to pay but she don't want. I told her my ego was at stake and she told me I think too much. We compromised that I would cia her next time. I am still very manly.

This is her "stop arguing, I am going to cia you whether you like it or not" look.

Gabrielle Jee eats really slow. She stares at the food, puts the spoon in her mouth, chew for one minute, swallow, and repeat. She eats so slow a frog self-destructed cos it got so bored waiting.

I did not kill it okay :)

Some people eat sooooo much *sarcasm*

We went out of the restaurant smelling like crab. Well, at least she did. I thought I smelt like strawberries, though that was probably the smell of the dead frog. Either way, she kept blaming me for the smell. How would I know the Thais like their fried rice smelly?

Milo tastes better if you add the water before the powder. I'm just saying =P.

The Media and Us

2009-03-12T14:57:00.003+08:00

What is it with reporters ignoring St. Joseph every single time public exam results are announced? It doesn't matter how well we do, St. Teresa or Greenroad or St. Mary (but not St. Thomas) gets all the attention regardless of how awesome we are.

And we were seriously awesome this year round.

Seriously.

Happy New Year 2009

2009-01-14T17:44:00.005+08:00

Someone asked my why my blog was so dead. I told him it was because I have no life. You see, to blog, you usually need a life to blog about. Going out to work and meeting a really hot girl who find the fact that you're working really hot counts as a life. Sleeping at eleven every night and waking up at eight in the morning to play the same game over and over again on the Wii does not.

"You haven't even posted a new year's post," he typed. I told him I had. He told me I haven't. I told him I'm pretty sure I had, and to shut him up, I went straight to my blog to prove I had only to realise I haven't.

Umm...happy new year? :)

It's only the 14th of January wad.

25th December is an Awesome Date

2008-12-25T23:21:00.004+08:00

Merry Christmas to all! =)

Kuching as a whole seems to be in a pretty unChristmassy mood, but who cares, it's still an awesome holiday.

When a Child is Born is still the awesomest Christmas carol ever, and Jingle Bell Rock is a freaking poser =P

Hamsters Are Cannibals

2008-12-20T23:25:00.006+08:00

Once, there were three cute little hamsters living together.

One got hungry and ate the other, so then there were two.

But that same hamster was still hungry so he ate the third one too.

Now there is only one hamster left.

Aww.

Christmas Season at The Curve

2008-12-06T21:16:00.018+08:00

KL malls have the best Christmas decorations in Malaysia, period. They look so good they make you feel perfectly fine being in a huge shopping mall with lots of things on sale but no money to spend at all.

Sunway Pyramid had pink christmas trees. They reminded me of my old phone, which keypad got jammed so I couldn't press the space button and all my smses were onelongwinding wordjoineduptogetherlikethis. Now I have a black phone which is just as manly :)

KLCC and Times Square decided that big equales freaking awesome and put up christmas trees so big it made me look short for the first time in my life. Usually, I look really tall, just like a giraffe. Growl.

Speaking of giraffes, there was a gigantic plant giraffe at The Curve. At least, I think it was a giraffe. It looked like a giraffe model I made out of plasticine when I was really, really young.

When I first saw the giraffe, I stared at him for so long. He was the seventh coolest thing I have ever seen in my life. So big, so majestic, so green. I knew he was a he because he had a penis, and it was huge. Again, so big, so majestic, so green, but totally got no balls at all. Course, it could just as well be a tail, but that would only make it boring.

Around the giraffe were other plant animals so that the place looked like that place in that fairytale story where everything was made of chocolate, except in this story, everything is made of kang kong and brocolli and giraffes have really big penises but no balls.

There were teddy bears.

There were ponies.

There were even elephants.

And then there was the gigantic giraffe with his manly asset, because we all like staring at things that are hyperbolic in nature :).

I love Kuching and all, but sometimes I wish the folks here would try to make the place look a little bit more christmassy here with Christmas coming just around the corner and all. But instead, all we get are decorations like this.

At least we have laksa.

Drink Anything!

2008-12-02T23:12:00.004+08:00

Guy: Tauke, I'm thirsty.

Tauke: Order drinklah. What you want to drink?

Guy: Anything.

Tauke: How I know what you want? Tell me specificallylah.

Guy: I said I want anything!

Tauke: How can? You want teh tarik or cola or what?

Guy: No, anything!

Tauke: Haiya, finelah.

*after 5 minutes*

Guy: Tauke, you got my order wrong.

Tauke: Where got? You ordered anything, I give you teh tariklah.

Guy: No, I want anything.

Tauke: Anythinglah, teh tarik is anything too wad.

Guy: No, anything! Aaa-neee-thiiing.

Tauke: Har?

Guy: Bodo punya tauke.

I Really Want To Be Really Talented

2008-11-27T20:33:00.006+08:00

Tarantulas

2008-09-29T22:09:00.004+08:00

I saw a big huge black furry spider. I think it was a tarantula. I didn't know if it was poisonous or not so I decided not to take any chances and squashed it with the Holy Bible.

I feel guilty :(

How To Get Discounts In Coffee Shop

2008-09-24T19:57:00.005+08:00

One day in a coffee shop, an apek realised that the price of kolo mee has gone up by 10 cents. The apek very geram so he went to the tauke to complain.

Apek: Haiyor, lu punya kolo mee naik harga har?

Tauke: Apa mau buat? Itu harga minyak naik turun naik turun.

Apek: Haiyor.

Tauke: Itu Badawi punya pasallah, bodo punya orang. Sial.

Apek: Yalar, sikit-sikit mau kasih naik minyak. Talak boleh harap.

Tauke: Itu Sammy Vellu pun sial.

Apek: Haiya! Itu Sammy Vellu lagi bodo punya apek.

Tauke: Itu Anwar juga sial. Banyak cakap saja talak ada action.

Apek: Sial, memang sial.

Tauke: Takpalah, saya bagilu diskaun dua puluh senla.

Apek: Haiyar, dua puluh sen sajakar?

Tauke: Kaylah kaylah, bagilu kurang lima puluh sen.

Apek: Xie xie. =)

Malaysian politicians catalyses peace and harmony.

The Guy Dilemma

2008-09-23T20:11:00.012+08:00

What do you do when a friend admits she's considering becoming a lesbian?

You grab a camera and start hoping for awesome moments to happen. But what happens if that friend of yours used to be your girlfriend?

You sigh, you think of boobies, you grab a camera and start hoping for awesome moments to happen and you move on.

But that's not the point. Boobies are never the point.

The point is, she says the reason she's thinking of becoming a lesbian is because she find guys annoying. She says this a month after she dumps you. She's sick of boys and it's all because of you.

So what would you do knowing that you made such an awful boyfriend that you actually turned a girl into a lesbian? Would you make a vow never to date a girl ever again so you won't have to worry about becoming such a crappy boyfriend that she loses all faith in boys and goes for the gals?

This is all hypothetical of course, but seriously...

...what would you do?

Heels

2008-09-07T12:25:00.004+08:00

I don't get why girls complain about wearing heels. Don't walk so fast, they say, the heels slow us down.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

I mean, come on, it's like they're walking downhill.

PLKN Conspiracy

2008-08-12T19:27:00.003+08:00

DON'T USE THE KHIDMAT NEGARA WEBSITE TO CHECK YOUR NS STATUS!

See, there's a conspiracy going on. On Saturday, the NS people had finally finished compiling the list of people who are chosen to go for national service. But suddenly, there was a blackout! They had forgotten to save so everything was gone!

So this guy panicked and he wondered what to do. Then he came up with a brilliant idea. He'll quietly add a secret hidden program on the NS website so that any Sarawakian kid who keys in his or her IC number to check whether he or she is in will automatically be selected!

Ahem. I am serious okay?

Forward this to 20 of your contacts or the Internet Guy will track you down and sign you up for NS straight away at midnight!

163 cm!

2008-08-04T21:15:00.003+08:00

My Biology teacher made the whole class take down our heights to prove that shortness was due to recessive genes and short people therefore are the minority. Apparently, the previous shortest guy in class got a growth spurt and boosted himself to a healthy 164cm, which sucked because it made me the new official shortest guy in class at 163cm tall.

Scientifically, this is how I look like on a chart.

Samantha Tagged Me

2008-07-29T20:19:00.004+08:00

So I answer lo.

1. What do you want the most now?
A permanent press polyester leisure suit.

2. Who is the person you trust the most?
The Irish.

3. Are you in love?
Hell yeah.

4. If you could have a dream come true. What would it be?
Gravity boots.

5. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes, but nothing like that

6. What's your goal for this year?
Avoid NS.

7. Do you believe in eternity?
Probably.

8. What feelings do you love most?
Yes.

9. What are the requirements from your other half?

Jonas hearts Zooey Deschanel.

10. What kinds of feelings you hate the most?
When you dig an awesome song that nobody likes.

11. Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
No. Yes. Yes, but you look ridiculous.

12. What do you want to do in the future?
Control your thoughts and minds with my giant alien superbrain (I also have the strength of 10 men).

13. What is the most important thing in your life?
Clean toilets.

14. What did you feel last night?
Fantastic as Flash Gordon.

15. Who do you hope to always be there for you?
Colonel Mustard because he was a know-it-all dickhead.

16. When do you think the world will end?
After we're done with it.

17. The world ends tomorrow. What will you do?
Wear boxers.

18. What do you think of the person who tagged you?
Very nice (to be spoken as if one were Borat).

19. What do you want to know right now?
How do I get you to date me?

20. Boxers, briefs, or commando?
I'm a briefs guy but I'm willing to go without when the occasion calls for it.

My Sandy Makeover

2008-07-24T21:07:00.009+08:00

One fine sunny day in Damai Beach, I decided to take a nap.

While I was sleeping, I dreamt that I was being swallowed by sand. It felt ticklish, but even I could tell that it was just a figment of my imagination, possibly a psychological reaction from being surrounded by so much sand.

I dreamt about cups, plastic cups, wooden cups, silicon cups, organic cups, cups of all shapes and sizes...you name it, I've dreamt it.

Things started to get noisy. I was not amused. Was it too much to ask for a guy to enjoy his vacation in peace and tranquility?

"Oh my God, it broke!" someone screamed. That was the final straw. I opened my eyes, readied myself to lash out angrily at anyone close enough to hear me scream for silence but decided against it when I found out I had a new pair of silicon boobies.

"Why did you turn me into a woman?" I asked.

"We didn't. You were supposed to be a guy with boobs."

"Then where is it? Where is the magic wand?"

"It broke."

In loving memories of Little Jonas.

Tracy Tan, Date Me!

2008-07-17T20:53:00.026+08:00

I mean, it's not like I have a crush on you or anything, but you should you know?

See, this is how it all started. I was browsing through Youtube when I came across this song called 'Falling Slowly' from the movie 'Once' and I thought, that's the sweetest song I've ever heard, if only I had someone to share it with.

So I did what any other guy my age would do. I picked someone at random to chat to on msn and we both agreed that "Falling Slowly" was the best thing since banana pancakes with ice cream. Then we started talking about whether there was anyone out there for me.

Bernard Yong says:
There is no one out there for you.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
You are wrong, there is someone out there for me.
Bernard Yong says:
Haha, I am not wrong, because I am right.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
Sob sob, you mean I am wrong since you are right?
Bernard Yong says:
Yes, haha, I am right. There is no one out there for you since you are wrong.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
Oh no, sob. That is sad.
Bernard Yong says:
I am kidding.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
You are?
Bernard Yong says:
Yes, because I am not serious just now.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
Haha.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
This is what I will do.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
I will leave it to fate.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
I will close my eyes and randomly type something.
Smatness: Star 69 says:
http://gunnerpistonfan91.blogspot.com/
Bernard Yong says:
Wow, you typed that randomly while you were closing your eyes?
Smatness: Star 69 says:
Ya, where do you think it leads to?
Bernard Yong says:
Only one way to find out.

So I clicked the link, not knowing what was in store for me. And call me Betty-lou and hit me with a mallet, but if you had seen what I had seen, you would have been as sure as I was that fate had indeed brought me there.

I knew I couldn't let this opportunity go, so I went back to Youtube and searched for the manliest song I could think of to give me the courage to say this. Tracy Tan, you should date me. I have a pink phone.

Oh, and since you love puppies, here's something to help you make your decision.

There is a 13% chance of this actually working. What up internet?

I Hate Student Exchange

2008-07-06T17:06:00.002+08:00

So I found out that students applying for the student exchange program don't have to sit for tomorrow's exam on account of an interview they have to attend. Damn it, I wish I had registered for it.

Two months in an ulu part of Indonesia just to skip one day of exam, totally worth it.

Semi-Temporary Hiatus

2008-06-27T22:21:00.003+08:00

So my exams have been pushed forward by a week and I'm struggling to keep up. No blog posts until it's over or I get too lazy to study and give up completely. Personally, I'd wager on me becoming too lazy but hey, you never know =P.

I Am Also Fatlah

2008-06-18T19:24:00.006+08:00

F-A-T-T-I-N-Y

"Boy, you're gaining weight hor. Ever since December. You got a belly."

That is a polite way of saying,
"Boy, you're gaining weight hor. Ever since December. You got a belly."

And that was said in church somemore. You know you need a diet when people start calling you fat in church. What kinda person gets called fat in church anyway?

The priest was there at that time so I think he tried to make me feel better by saying "Really? I think he's growing taller."

So not only did I get called fat, I also got a gentle reminder that I'm short to boot.

Hallelujah? :)

Bittersweet Me

2008-06-13T17:41:00.003+08:00

Gabrielle had to hitch a ride home from tuition with Perry today. Me and my pals saw it happening. She headed towards the silver Perdana, opened the door and got in. Bruce was sitting at the front seat. Perry's driver was driving. The seat next to her was empty. It was meant for Perry.

Naturally, the teasing started.

"Ahem-ahem!" we said.

"So romantic ar!" we screamed.

"Remember, no means no!" we laughed.

"And play it safe, use Malaysian rubber!" we snorted.

The car drove off and we continued laughing, but the laughter died soon after. We stared at each other and the smiles vanished from our faces. I knew that we were all thinking the same thing. See, at the end of the day, despite everything we've said, we knew that each one of us would have given anything to be in Perry's shoe at that time.

Stupid silver Perdana with hot black leather seats and pretty girl inside. :(

5th Regional Lasallian Convention

2008-06-09T18:38:00.016+08:00

Okay, so this is an unbelievably overdued post about the 5th Regional Lasallian Convention that took place on the 28th of May....and that's 11 days ago. Wow. You know, in this blog, you know you're getting the latest news ;).

The 5th Regional Lasallian Convention WAS DA BOMB!

See, it's this three days camp-of-a-sort where we get all the Lasallian students from Sarawak to come together to experience and learn from the life of John Baptist de Lasalle, the founding father of the Lasallian schools.

John Baptist da Lasalle loved to boogie.

The theme for the year is Take The Lead. When I took part in the convention last year, I was only an ordinary delegate. This year, I'm a full-fledged OT member and that rules because I could finally use the teacher's toilet, the awesome place where poops are flushable and doors are lockable.

This nametag does not belong to me.

Sessions took up a third of the convention's time slot. Being a secretary, I spent alot of my time sitting behind a laptop jotting down everything the speaker says. Ironically, it's the part I remember least about the convention. I have a seriously short attention span :P.

The games and activities on the other hand were funky enough to make Iqmal the funkiest dude on the planet. Here's one I'd like to call 'Steal Chair And Bring It To The Other Side Of The Room'.

At the age of 17, this is sadly the highlight of Fariz's life.

There's that one where you're supposed to build the tallest possible structure out of a limited supply of materials like newspaper and tapes and strings and glue and gravity.

The winner was never announced, although I had a feeling this team had the tallest one. Sadly for them, it came toppling down after five minutes. Which was cool. And awesome. And absolutely funky.

"Low" was overplayed throughout the convention.

On the second day of the convention, I got my hands on a tub of Sunny Hill's ice cream. I was so happy about it that I ran all the way back only to trip. The ice cream fell out of my hand and I jumped to save it...

...and ended up falling down and scraped my knees instad.

On the last day, the OTs were taking random photos of everything. Claire and Patricia were dared to do the sexy pose.

Me and Jardian tried, but failed miserably ~~although I secretly think that we would have made awesome models if given the chance~~.

My group photo was spoiled when I mistakened the 'serious photo' for a photo 'where you don't smile'.

Turns out I was the only one who interpreted it that way leaving me looking extremely moody among the rest of the happy smiley folks. That sucks.

But I'll say it one more time. The convention was DA BOMB.

Bokastiver felt like a rock 'n' roll star.

Logaraj and Jonathan learned that it did not matter what colour your skin was.

And these guys learned that taking the phrase 'stuff it up your arse' literally was a silly idea.

I need some sleep.

One Big Happy Family

2008-06-04T22:01:00.004+08:00

This post was written out of pure undemented boredom last night at 1am

Once upon a time, Jonas and Jonathan fell in love.

Through the miracles of modern science, they had a baby and his name was Howard.

Science was on a roll and they had another baby named Su Lynn.

Meanwhile, their buddies Gary and Choulyin got married and came over to share the good news.

But what Choulyin didn't know was that Gary was in labour, so out came Claire!

They were all one big happy family, but Gary had some issues. People were questioning his masculinity since guys don't usually get pregnant and it was beginning to get to him.

Luckily for Gary, he was just having a really bad dream and none of this really happened.

In reality, he married Isaac.

The Porn Video

2008-06-02T19:29:00.032+08:00

One fine day during the Regional Lasallian Convention, we found a porn video in Howard's laptop. Me and Gavin, being the clean sophisticated guys that we are, did our best not to watch it.

This is us not watching it.

Howard and Jonathan suddenly appeared and told us they had to use the laptop. In our bid to stop watching what we were not watching, we forgot to shut the video down. We watched in slow-motion horror as Howard and Jonathan plugged the laptop into the LCD projector.

Needless to say, I believe the delegates (mostly males) of the 5th Regional Sarawal Lasallian Convention had a very good time.

And obviously, I made this whole thing up. =P

"I Am Away"

2008-05-27T15:59:00.004+08:00

Today's rant/update will be lots of little rants/updates squished together in one glorious squooshy brown turd of a rant/update.

I was in school printing nametags this morning when I saw Samantha who was taking part in the SJS Open. The plan was to say something goofy but the must-control-macho factor kicked in and I ended up saying just sam instead. I feel absolutely awash in poo.

And I have to disagree with all the people who called me weird in the last post. I am not weird, I am unique. Weird is the person who calls himself The Archer, and Donkey, and whatever it is you guys are calling Gabrielle today. I'm offended. Poopers.

Just kidding, we all know deep down inside that everyone likes being called weird. I guess that's because it makes us special. Or maybe not. Or maybe you just need to poo.

Oh, and I will be away (again) for the next couple of days attending the Regional Lasallian Convention, so no blog updates till it's over. This will be just like the last period of no-updates, only this time I'm telling you about it first. No poo reference in this paragraph so don't go looking for it. It's not there either :P.

I have to go now. Got lots of packing to do and I've only got an hour and a half left to do it before I head off to school. Tonight is gonna be awesome. We'll be talking about Esther and food and money and how each and every one of us love a good sneeze, but not nearly as much as the satisfaction we all secretly derive from making a truly good poo.

Happy Holidays! :D

The Girl With The Phone

2008-05-25T15:42:00.011+08:00

One fine day, there was a pretty girl standing all by herself next to a pillar. My friends told me that there were actually two other girls standing beside her but I laughed and told them that was because I had eyes for her only.

"Are those roses I smell?", I asked myself. The smell turned out to be someone flatuating but it didn't matter because I saw this girl standing there like right after. I could tell by the way her hair was curled in a flowery pattern and the way she was standing cross-legged that she was a sophisticated woman so I turned up the charm on her and asked her if she farted cos she blew me away.

She laughed and told me that she did and I laughed and told her that she was causing global warming. She giggled and told me how sweet I was for saying that and then added that the line about her being so hot she's causing global warming was so cliche'd it's cute. I smiled and realised that I did not have the heart to tell her that I was actually referring to her fart.

I realised that my mouth was feeling dry so I told her to excuse me while I went out to buy some mint to make the love flow freshly. When I came back, she was gone and the only person standing there was this girl talking on the phone.

I asked her where the girl on the phone was and she told me that she didn't know. I realised that this new girl on the phone was even prettier so I turned up the charm on her and asked her if she farted.

Needless to say, it didn't go well. But it didn't matter because it gave me something to blog about. This is a filler post, way-hey.

Tagging

2008-05-18T19:25:00.006+08:00

I don't get the tagging phenomena. I really don't. Do people like it or do they hate it? If they hate it, then why do they go around tagging others everytime they get tagged?

Surely the smart thing to do would be to just ignore it and do something more productive like visiting this site, no?

And if they like it, then why do they go around answering tags by first cursing the person who tagged them in the first place?

Surely the proper thing to do would be to embrace it with warmth and gratitude and start off the tag-answering session with some sentimental poetry, no?

Like I said, I just don't get it. The one thing that bugs me most about the tagging phenomena though is this: why the heck is no one tagging me?

My name is not included in the list.

I mean, I know I've mentioned once before that tagging is girly but surely we've all heard of reverse psychology before. It's like asking everyone at the dinner table if they'd like to have the final slice of pizza. You may be asking them if they want it but we all know that deep down inside you're thinking, "please say no so i can have it please say no i can have it". Surely it would have been obvious that I actually want people to tag me, no?

My name is still not included in the list.

Surely there are at least some people out there who are curious about the three ways to describe my personality (awesome, awesome and awesome) and the three things I don't think you should listen to (Sean Kingston, Malaysian rappers and Ipoh-mali guy), no?

Surely someone will tag me after seeing this picture of a puppy I found online, no?

"Please tag him, woof!"

I Want a Time Machine

2008-05-17T20:21:00.003+08:00

Past Jonas:
Organising a prefects telematch? That sounds like fun, why not?

Present Jonas:
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Past Jonas:
I'm gonna learn how to drive in May. I'm free then.

Present Jonas:
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Past Jonas:
I'm gonna blog once every three days without fail!

Present Jonas:
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Past Jonas:
SPM is still so long from now, why bother studying? =P

Present Jonas:
SPM is still so long from now, why bother studying? =P

Possible Future Jonas:
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The Photoshoot

2008-05-11T19:02:00.016+08:00

Back when I was fifteen, I used to be more comfortable with taking photos of myself with my Motorola E398's VGA-enabled camera. It's not that I looked any better back then, the phone's camera was just so pathetic it wouldn't capture small details like pimples in a photo, which obviously worked out to my advantage.

This is a photo of me taken with my old Motorola E398.

Of course, with the dawn of technology, phone cameras started becoming more and more like real cameras. And now everytime I take a photo with one these new phones, the dots on the face shows, and that is exactly why I hate technology.

This is a photo of me taken with a Sony Ericson 850i.

Not that I mind having pimples, mind you. The way I see it, having pimples mean you're a PIMP of the peoPLE. See how this all works out in the end to boost my reknowned and established macho image?

But I'm digressing, that's just something I had to get out of my system :P.

There was a class photoshoot at Jacky's Studio last night involving me and my classmates and my teacher and a photographer who was most probably gay as he loved saying koochie-koochie koo and calling himself sexy, not that there's anything wrong with that mind you, saying koochie-koochie koo and calling yourself sexy is serious fun.

We should know, we tried it.

You're not allowed to take photos with your own camera in the studio, the lady sitting at the counter told me, but I figured since I was using Adrian's camera and not mine, I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I snapped away anyway.

We were positively hyped up, so hyped up that some of us starting singing love songs to girls who were not even there. Pfft, who would ever be that lame? The day I become that lame is the day I marry Esther Tham, which incidentally reminds of another awesome story that involved me and her in an airport sometime ago last year...

...but here's a shoutout to Bernard instead. Nowhere near as interesting nor as romantic, but ah well.

Here is a group photo of us before taking the actual group photo.

When the time came to take our actual class photo, we were brought to this room upstairs. And after ten minutes of smiling and watching a man koochie-koochie kooing himself while muttering the words I am sexy, we were done. And that was the end of the night!

Or it would have been had some of us not stayed longer because at about fifteen minutes after the photoshoot, we heard a loud thud coming from outside the studio. We rushed out to find a guy unconsious on the road. He was knocked down from his motorcycle by a white car.

The guy who knocked him down repeated the word 'insurance' over and over again while the rest of us helped to divert traffic and keep the motorcyclist from getting run over again.

That was the first accident I've ever witnessed with my very own eyes. But still, even after that incident, I couldn't help but notice that the only thing running through my mind at that time was...

...nevermind =P.

The Balance

2008-05-08T19:33:00.004+08:00

Here's a word of advice, us charming lads from St. Joseph are the last people you'd want to look up to as role models. I'd even go as far as to say that we're 75% evil and 25% awesome. Folks, we make awful influences, the lot of us.

There's this friend I have in tuition whose name I keep forgetting. He's the typical nice guy who is always paying attention to what the teacher is saying and seem to know how to answer every questions that come his way.

Me and Sean aren't typical nice guys and we aren't always paying attention to what the teacher is saying. We are mostly clueless when attempting to answer any questions that come our way so it's nice to have a typical nice guy sitting with us to help us out.

That changed today.

I was commenting on how lovely I found this girl in class and Sean was telling me I had horrible taste so I asked my buddy whose name I keep forgetting for his opinion on her.

And just like that, his personality took a 180 degrees turn. He started off light by commenting about girlfriends. Then for some reason, he started speaking in malay and said that he could help introduce me to the girl. Then he went on to speak in Chinese and even though I don't understand the language, I'm pretty sure I heard the word "sex" in it. So either the word "sex" in Chinese means something completely different (like prayer) or he's a total pervert.

Normaly, I wouldn't have minded things like that, but you have to remember that he was the brain of our table. He did most of the thinking and the answering, and that was how it had always worked in our tuition. But with him doing most of the talking now, when the time came to start answering our exercises, he had no idea what to do for the first time in five months.

So he copied me. And that was weird.

Because I was barely listening, there wasn't much to copy from. Either way though, with him and his newfound personality liberation, my workload for chemistry seems to be piling up and I'm desperately trying to catch up.

And that is why I have not blogged in 10 days. Well, not really, but it does make a pretty darn good excuse :P.

Undebuting My Newspaper Debut

2008-04-28T21:47:00.003+08:00

Jonas: Hey, I'm on the newspaper!

Perry: No you're not.

Jonas: Yes I am, see? I'm there and those are the Lodge guys.

Perry: No you're not. That's me and those Lodge guys aren't from Lodge.

Jonas: But aren't they wearing blue blazers?

Perry: The newspaper printing decolourised it. Those guys are from UM Sains. Their blazers are actually purple.

Jonas: So I'm not in the newspaper?!

Perry: Yup.

Jonas: *shot through the heart*

My Newspaper Debut

2008-04-27T21:12:00.011+08:00

I received two sms'es this morning telling me that Borneo Post published an article about the WSDC in its PostMag section. Apparently, there was this huge coloured photo of the St. Joseph debate team featured there. Now, I have never had my picture printed out in a newspaper before. The few people I knew who had said it was no big deal. That didn't stop me from getting a tiny little bit excited though, as far as I was concerned, having your picture printed out in a newspaper was cool enough, but having it printed out in COLOUR was enough to make Fido Dido look like the Koko Puff Bunny.

I got my hands on a copy of the paper and there was the article, and it was called "Debating The World", and it was two pages long. The first page was in black and white, and it featured the Swinburne's Debate Club Team (who only appeared to give a demo on how to debate during competition), Muara Tuang and Bandar Kuching.

The second page had the big coloured picture I was told about. Only thing is, it didn't quite turn out the way I expected. In my mind, I had imagined this awesome group photo of the two teams representing St. Joseph, Team A and Team B (or Team Vanilla Bear and Team Chocolate Bear if we were allowed to name our own teams). Instead, I got a picture of Team B in a debate against UM Sains with me and my team members from Team A notably absent.

*For the sake of boasting, at about that time during the debate, we were put up against the Swinburne Swing Team and we came out victorious. Swinburne then proceeded to beat the crap out of every other team that came their way, making us the only team in the entire competition to beat Swinburne" :P.*

Someone hinted that only good-looking people get their pictures printed in a newspaper's pullout, but I beg to differ. Admitably, we may not be the best looking guys around (~~with the exception of me, I'm awesome~~) but if Elval and Elges from Serian could have their faces featured in the Borneo Post, I don't see why ours couldn't.

But then I noticed something. Under the huge coloured picture of Team B VS UM Sains and beside the main article was another picture, also in colour, just smaller.

And if you look really closely past the Lodgians in their blue blazers and the dude with the jeans but just before the guy in the white shirt, you'll see this.

It's pretty blurry because the picture was taken with my camera phone since the scanner was busted on account of a lightning bolt chizzling it out but if you had today's edition of Borneo Post with you, you would be able to tell that the colour of the blazer that guy in the red circle is wearing was green, just like mine, and he had hair just like mine and he looked a hell lot like me.

That's right folks, on the 27th of April 2008, I officially made my newspaper debut, sorta.

Shot Through The Heart!

2008-04-25T22:58:00.014+08:00

I saw a lightning bolt strike my computer a few days ago. There was a storm and I was about to turn it off when a bolt struck the adapter and the computer made some funny chizzling sound. So here I am using the old, ancient computer. It's slow as hell but at least I can get some form of internet connection. Getting into Blogger took me two minutes. There is a 65% chance this post will not be able to make it online, but I've got the time and patience to wait and make sure it does. At least, I hope I do.

Gabrielle got a new computer at about the same time my computer went ballistic so I'm jealous as hell. On the bright side, I just mentioned the word ball without even realising it and that's funny because ball have many meanings and I'm laughing. Hahaha. Sigh.

For some reason, the only song I can find in this computer is Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name, you know, the one that goes...SHOT THROUGH THE HEART! AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! DARLING YOU GIVE LOVE...

...a BAD NAME!!!! *insert clangs of electric guitar here*

Bon Jovi is the epitome of cool.

Rock on folks.

Tracy Tan

2008-04-19T16:08:00.009+08:00

This is a filler post =D.

So the WSDC is over and I I finally have some free time at hand. In a nutshell, we debated our way to the quarter finals and had St. Mary beat us yet again only for them to be beaten by Greenroad who in turn got beaten by Lodge. I'll start posting about the competition once I find photos.

Tracy Tan - is she the dating type?

Hello, Who Are You?

2008-04-13T15:11:00.010+08:00

I received this message from my teacher yesterday:

"Debate practise tomorrow (sunday) 11am-3.30pm mdm. lye's house (next 2 ting pek king's house)"

With those wonderful directions in mind, I set off with my brother to find the place. We found Ting Pek King's house, it was brown and looked a whole lot like a miniature version of Kuching's airport. There was another house next to it and we figured that must have been Mdm. Lye's. The gate was wide open so my brother dropped me off and drove away.

I stepped into the house compound. There was a dog there and it started barking. It was lucky that I was a dog person. I held up my hand and gave it a pat and it stopped barking immediately.

I continued on to the front door. There were a few pair of slippers and shoes there already and so I assumed that everyone was there already. I knocked. No answer. So I knocked again. No answer. I tried calling Mdm. Lye but I didn't have her number so I called Jason Wong instead. He wasn't answering. So I knocked the door one last time, and the door opened.

Instead of Mdm. Lye or any one of my friends however, there were six old men staring at me, none of whom looked the very least bit recognisable. I looked at them and they looked at me. We stared at each other blankly for a few seconds, no one saying anything to the other.

I broke off the silence by saying, "Uhh, is this Mdm. Lye's house?"

They kept staring at me as if I was crazy. The guy who answered the door said something in Chinese. I had no idea what he said so I repeated, "Umm...Cikgu Lye, got or not?"

He shook his head and it hit me that, bloody hell...

I WAS AT THE WRONG HOUSE!

So I said sorry, wrong house but that didn't stop them from staring at me. I think they thought I was going to pull out a gun and rob them or something. One of old men pressed a button and I heard the gate closing. The guy at the door pointed his finger towards the direction of the gate. Now, I don't speak Chinese and I don't understand the Chinese culture, but I'm pretty sure that was a nicer way of saying get the $@#% off my house compound.

And so I did. I walked out and the dog I talked about followed me, effectively proving how useless of a guard dog it really was.

So there I was, standing outside the gate of the house, with no transport, no friends to answer my calls, totally lost with no sense of direction. Then, just when I was beginning to lose hope, a white Pajero passed by and in it was BERNARD!

I hitched a ride from him and we made our way to Mdm. Lye's house, which turned out to be next to a house next to a house next to Ting Pek King's house. All was well, minus the debate.

Big Apple Donuts

2008-04-12T21:58:00.004+08:00

Question:

How hard can it be to buy good donuts in Kuching?

Answer:

Based on the size of that freaking line, extremely.

Man-Sized Wreath

2008-04-08T21:32:00.004+08:00

I'm having a terrible week, and it's only Tuesday. Yesterday was fine, but today takes the cake for being pure poopy. It starts out with an awful stomach ache which, coupled with my paranoia of using the school's toilet and the cold, chilly morning breeze, makes for a shitty morning, minus the shit.

Okay, that was a horrible way to start a post.

I also tripped and had my sharp pointy nametag poking me in a sharp painful way. Then I found out I may have been mostly responsible for a teacher's mood swing from happy-go-lucky to $@!# this %*!$@% class.

I also had an argument with someone and even though it's clear that it's not my fault, the fact that I'm sort of a dick kicked in and I said something to rub it in and now my balls are an endangered species.

Rock on.

A-Z Boredom Post

2008-04-03T20:55:00.008+08:00

While whining to her about how bored I was, Samantha suggested that I blog about random things from A-Z cos I'm bored. We ran out of things to talk about soon after so what the heck.

A stands for add maths, which I flunked again,
B stands for boredom, which drives me insane,
C stands for chemistry, easy it ain't,
D stands for dummy, doofus and drain.

E stands for Esther, who is so in love with me,
F stands for the fantasy I fantasized in E.
G stands for Gabrielle who like guys who farts,
H stands for my achily breakily heart.

I stands for ice cream, Sunny Hill's ones no doubt,
J stands for Jonas who this blog is about.
K stands for kencing which my dog did on my shoe,
L stands for loser and that stands for you.

M stands for Maggi Mee which I like,
N says just do it, just do it for Nike,
O stands for OMG lolz I'm so bored,
P stands for poop which does not rhyme with sword.

Q stands for queer, of which I assure you I'm not,
R stands for really, really I'm hot,
S stands for Samantha who suggested I did this,
T stands for tacky ticklish talking ticks.

U stands for umm, what else can I ryhme?
V stand for vowing to learn how to mime.
W stands for WOWZERS look at the time!
X stands for X_X, that face looks like mine.

Y stands for yawning which I have been doing,
Z stands for zzZZzZzzZz so I'd better get going.

Fresh Feeling

2008-03-31T22:37:00.004+08:00

Introducing my new official blog layout! I dig it. It's simple yet unique. It's childish yet matured. It's ugly yet pretty. It's lame yet funky. I think I like it, I like it alot. I'll wait to see if it'll look as awesome tomorrow morning.

Till then, cheers!

Sweetness Follows

2008-03-28T17:38:00.002+08:00

Just a quick post-up. I think I need a new blog layout. There are 2 new CDs coming out next week that I insist on buying original so I'll be pretty broke after that. It is hot and stuffy and I hate the sun.

I gotta have some time alone.

Stupid Ghost Stories

2008-03-19T21:20:00.010+08:00

I used to be a fan of the True Singapore Ghost Stories series.

Back when I was in primary school, I used to borrow them from the school library every week. I'd then take them home and wait for it to get dark so I could start reading and scare the heck out of myself every night.

There was this one story about a couple who had to stop at this isolated reststop at midnight. The husband went to pee while the wife waited in the car. After a few minutes, the wife began to wonder why he was taking so long.

Suddenly, she heard the sound of something banging against the car roof. After awhile, she gathered the courage to go out and see what it was.

....it was her husband, completely headless, standing on the car roof, dribbling his own head on the car!!!

My expression after reading that.

Was that not the creepiest story you have ever read before?

Okay, so I suck at telling ghost stories. But the point is, after reading that story, I got so scared that just thinking about it gets me looking behind my back every now and then.

But for every good thing comes something truly awful. The True Singapore Ghost Story series was so popular that it inspired countless of imitation titles such as "True Pontianaks Ghost Stories" and "Singapore True Ghost Stories".
Note the emphasis on true by the way.

See, some of the stories in these rip-offs are so badly written that you just can't help but find it more amusing than scary. Take this story I read for example.

There was a man from an old native kampung that came back from hunting. As he sat down, a leech bit him and started sucking on his blood. He took his parang and chopped it into half. Then he saw the leech reattach itself. The man thought that the leech must have magic powers and he wanted the power for himself.

So he told his son to chop off his head and use the leech's blood to glue it back. The son, not knowing what to say, obeyed. He chopped his father's head off and the head rolled off on the ground. It rolled and rolled and the son watched in horror as his father's head rolled into a very deep small hole.

Son's expression after seeing that.

The son, panicking, looked around for help. Then he saw a dog and he chopped off the dog's head and attached it to his father's body using the leech's blood. The father got up and wondered why his head was so stiff. The son told him the truth and the father ran away into the jungle. The moral of the story? Chopping off your own head is rarely a good idea.

Then there's this other one I found so amusing because of its sheer stupidity.

To cut the long story short, boy sees pontianak outside of window. Mum doesn't believe and tells him not to tell stupid stories. But father sees the pontianak and the mother sees it too and they can only watch in horror as the pontianak starts breaking the window, trying to get in. They were never heard of ever again.

This actually had all the elements of a truly scary story. But as I said, it was taken from the book "Singapore True Ghost Stories". So if it was true, then how the heck did anybody find out about it considering the only witnesses were never heard of ever again? What? Pontianak told the author or what?

And then I had a creepy thought. What if the pontianak was the author?

Author of Singapore True Ghost Stories.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Stupidest Protest Sign

2008-03-16T11:58:00.005+08:00

I found this a totally LOL moment.

Oh, and I just realised my blog turned a year old yesteday. I'd write a longer post to celebrate but I'm just too darn busy at the moment. It turns out that I had more unfinished homework than I expected.

Talk to the bear.

Seventeen

2008-03-13T21:33:00.007+08:00

I turned seventeen today. I thought I'd better point that out before tomorrow comes and it becomes old news. I'm exhausted. There was a blackout last night and I spent the whole night sleeping without a fan. Course, it wasn't really sleeping. A series of short-lived naps should describe it.

So this was the thinking: how the hell should I sleep? The fan was out of service and there were mosquitoes all around. If I slept without a blanket, mosquitoes would come and bite me to death. But if I slept with a blanket, it'd be so stuffy I'd sweat to death.

So I didn't sleep. And I had the sleepiest birthday ever.

On a sidenote, my friend Esther is so cool. Oh my god, she is so cool. Ubercool. She's cool like lemonade. She's as cool as the other side of the pillow. We tried miming to each other just now and it occurred to me that, holy frick, she is so cool. She is so cool that her mom is cool. That's how cool she is. You only wish you could be this cool. I only wish I could be this cool.

I'm gonna go learn how to drive soon. And if I fail at that, to hell with it, I'll just find a pink pony and ride it to school everyday!

Supernaturally superserious.

Thanks for all the well-wishes by the way. I don't know why so many people greeting me happy birthday insist on telling me that the only reason they remembered it was because of Friendster. But ah well, that's life for you.

Oh, and because I was telling someone the other day how pictures always brigten up a blog post, here's how my bedroom looked like last night.

I'm outta here :P.

Gummy Bears

2008-03-10T09:08:00.005+08:00

I have two weeks to go till my exam begins. I know I really should start studying, but I just can't. I'm not lazy and I'm far from busy. The truth is, my mind is just so preoccupied at the moment. You see, I have the Gummy Bears' theme song stuck in my head. :(

It's horrible! I can't even get anything in without imagining those freaking bears bouncing here and there! It's like the Gummy Bears are doing this on purpose to have revenge on me for eating so many Gummy Bears last year.

The real, edible Gummy Bears.

Sigh, I need Gummy Berry Juice.

The Mysterious Diagram

2008-03-07T23:36:00.008+08:00

I came across this strange drawing in my Chemistry exercise while I was in tuition today.

For starters, I didn't draw it. Quite frankly, I didn't even know what it was supposed to be. Lee took a look at it and figured that it was probably how the fermentation experiment was supposed to look like.

I stared at it and realised that he was probably right. I mean, it didn't look like quite right but I figured that could probably be just because whoever drew was a really bad sketcher. I assumed that the arrowed-trail was probably there to represent the movement of the gas produced from fermentation and that the arrow pointing upwards probably represented carbon dioxide being liberated into the atmosphere.

You know, science.

So I stared at the diagram again and this time it made perfect sense. The arrows, the gases, the roughly sketched beakers and flasks, everything a diagram in a science report needs.

D'uh, so obvious!

Even though I still didn't know who drew it, I was grateful. He sure saved me quite a bit of time and effort. I'm sure we would have been best friends and do good buddy things together and call each other taugeh, if only I knew who he or she was.

Then Gavin Wu said, "Oh, I drew that. That's a map to the toilet."

My hand hurts...

2008-03-04T16:13:00.006+08:00

93 words

Speed test

Sure it took me the whole afternoon to do it, but who cares?

My First Trip to The Spring

2008-03-01T15:31:00.020+08:00

I've finally been to The Spring!

After months and months of staring at it from the window of my car as it drives past it, I've finally stepped foot into the building. Some of my buddies were actually surprised that it took me this long to go there.

A photo absolutely unrelated to what I'm talking about.

I have to admit that I was quite excited about it. People have been telling me for ages how great the place is. Someone said it was like a really huge mall, only smaller. Gabrielle said the food there was good. And it had an MPH bookstore.

So I stepped into the building. 5 minutes later, I stepped out.

Only photo I had time to take, and that also was a lousy one.

Why? Because a guard chased me away, sort of. Apparently, I must have misheard someone when he said that The Spring closes at midnight. It was 10.30pm, and the only shop left open was this spectacle shop.

There were less than a handful of people left in the mall, but I figured it wouldn't hurt just to walk around a little bit. So I walked and walked and found the escalator and decided to see how The Spring looked like upstairs, even though all the lights were already turned off.

I rode the escalator up, and when I arrived on the 1st floor, I found myself face to face with five men in black with walkie-talkies. I stared at them and even though they didn't say anything, I could tell that they didn't want anybody on that floor. So I pretended not to see them and took the escalator heading downwards.

And so my trip to The Spring was over. Weeks and weeks of waiting in anticipation and it ended just like that! How not to feel cheated right?

Leaving the Spring.

Oh, I was also an interviewer for the prefects interview earlier that day. Ever noticed how every interview or audition now must have three judges? Like, everyone suddenly rasa American Idol or something?

It's fun being an interviewer. Feels so much better than being interviewed.

A photo now related to what I'm talking about.

Some guys just make horrible prefects.

But ah well, I'm outta here.

Microsoft Word is a Smartass

2008-02-28T21:38:00.005+08:00

Without elaborating, I'd just like to point out that Microsoft Word is officially the most smartass program ever invented. It is so rasa that I'm going to use Wordpad to do all my typing from now on as an act of protest against Bill Gates and his never-ending schemes to prove once and for all that the programs he create are smarter than humans.

One Jondraf demonstration coming right up!

My blog is worth $5080.86

2008-02-25T21:06:00.008+08:00

Gee, I forgot I had a blog.

Sorry folks, updating has been pretty hard lately. I'm awfully busy. Just yesterday I took out a bandage from my leg and found myself with an infected wound. I reckon that's what you get for putting a wet bandage on a wet wound for two days straight. I figured drying it would be the smart thing to do so I spent the whole of yesterday's afternoon sunbathing.

My infected wound, leg shots are always sexy.

Hopefully, that counts as hardwork. But if it'll make you feel better, I also studied a little and caught up with my pile of unfinished reports and essays and whatnot. I've even started a little project I'd like to call 100 Reasons Why Being Single Rocks which, admitable, was both lame and depressing.

It's nice to know I still have readers though. I was browsing through some of my old posts and I came across this piece about my blog being worth only $564.64. I decided to give the test another go just to see how far this site of mine has come.

And I dug what I saw.

That's almost a 1000% percent increase, tell me that's funky.

Sometimes, blogging is like a big hole. You spend all your life shouting down it and all you hear are some echoes of some idiot yelling nonsense down a hole. And that's why it's nice to know that people are actually reading this.

Course, it might also have been the purple banana or the scantily-dressed mannequin that got you folks coming back for more, but hey, whatever rocks your boat, buddy.

See? I called you buddy! How's that for hospitality?

Those Darn Butterflies!

2008-02-18T18:34:00.004+08:00

I have got the stomachs in my butterfly. Did I just say stomachs in my butterfly? I really mean butterflies in my stomach. And that was my attempt at a joke, you know, to brighten things up a little even though I'm having just the slightest touch of panic in my system.

Okay, strike that, I'm actually panicking as hell. Like, stay awake on bed hoping to get some sleep only to stay wide awake for two hours straight kind of panicking. I'll be chairing a meeting tomorrow between the prefects of St. Joseph and St. Teresa.

I've never chaired a meeting before. And they're bringing along their teacher with them for some reason. I'm guessing it's to bodyguard them just in case us Josephians decide to do something naughty.

Think whoopee cushions.

Not that they need a bodyguard to begin with, mind you, they've got us outnumbered two to one. They have nine people coming, we've got five. And they're tall. At least, most of them are. Most of us aren't.

Except for me, I'm tall.

It's time to push my people's skill to the limit. I reckon I'm gonna start off the meeting by lightening up the atmosphere, you know, make a joke, a simple one-liner, one that's sure to get everyone laughing.

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? WASAAAAAABI!

I am so funny.

My Valentine

2008-02-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

Same old, same old. I need to get out more often.

The Lass in the Mall

2008-02-12T21:07:00.000+08:00

I visited Mahkota Parade in Malacca a few nights ago.

It was the night before Chinese New Year and most of the shops there were closed at the time. The few shops that chose to remain open consisted of a gadget store, some boutiques and a discount store selling everything you could ever want for half price, assuming everything you could ever want is red with Mickey Mouse on it wishing you Gong Xi Fa Cai.

I wanted to catch Cloverfield at the Golden Screen Cinema on the top floor but I missed it by about an hour. With everything else closing down on me, there really was nothing much I could do.

And then I saw her.

She reminded me of a babe I made out with a few months ago. You see, they both had skin like a statue - milky white and pure. Could she be Isabella's long-lost headless handless legless clotheless twin sister? The resemblance was uncanny.

The poor thing, she couldn't afford proper clothing. Being the nice, sweet guy that I am, I offered her the shirt I got for my friend Jessica Alba.

She declined and said pink really wasn't her colour. Suddenly, the lights went out and I found myself alone with her in the dark. I found a switch behind her and I pressed it, only to realise that Jonas, dangnabit....

...you turned her on, you stud!

My Height, Explained!

2008-02-11T17:16:00.000+08:00

I have this theory on why I'm shorter than most guys.

On average, girls grow faster than guys.

I grow slower than the average guy.

So, logically speaking, doesn't that just mean that I'm more manly and less girly than the average guy?

I'll just sit here and laugh while you guys question your masculinity.

My Shower

2008-02-06T12:07:00.000+08:00

While I was having a shower in my relative's house here in Tampin, I heard someone calling out to me from behind the window panes outside the house. It was the voice of a middle-aged Indian man and he was screaming, "Oi, bukalah cepat sikit!"

I was stunned. Who the heck was he and why did he want me to go out of tho bathroom? I tried to ignore him, trying to drown out his voice by singing 'Raindrop Keeps Falling On My Head' in my head.

He slammed hard on something and I knew that he was mad so I kept quiet and wished for him to go away. I heard the sound of a door being unlocked and the voice of an Indian lady saying, "Tunggulah sikit!"

It went quiet from there so I resumed showering. Suddenly, from out of nowehere, the Indian man screamed "Oi, makan belum sediakah?!" The Indian lady, obviously grumpy and annoyed, mumbled "Sekejap sikit, sekejap sikit...." back to him. Then the Indian man screamed, "Dey, kamu masak kari lagikah? Tak bosankah kari-kari tiap hari?"

I think the lady blew a fuse because she started screaming out loudly in Tamil at him. The man, obviously taken aback, muttered something back, this time in a quieter tone. The lady wasn't done apparently and she continued screaming at him, all the while making some banging noise.

Then I heard a third Indian voice saying something in Tamil. I don't understand Tamil, but it sounded like he was trying to calm her down. The lady started screaming again while the Indian man began to defend himself (presumably). Before I knew it, both of them began screaming at each other at the top of their lungs.

It was all in Tamil though so I couldn't understand a word they were saying. Suddenly, I had the urge to sneeze and I couldn't hold it back. So I sneezed! I figured the sound of me hachooing probably made them realise that someone was listening to them because both of them immediately went quiet.

I am such a peace-maker.

Intermission

2008-02-02T00:06:00.000+08:00

You know those blog posts people do where they embed Youtube videos and add a sentence or two about why they like it so much so that they don't have to go through the trouble of coming up with an actual post?

This is going to be one of those posts.

Schnappi the Crocodile, so cute he doesn't even need a tagline. I'll be away for a couple of days ~~as I'll be skipping school to go get ang paos from rich relatives living in the west coast~~ due to confidential reasons.

So to all you Josephians reading this, see'ya suckahs! :P

Homework

2008-01-30T15:19:00.000+08:00

Okay, I have a whole bunch of unfinished school work and I don't know where to start. I have about an hour and a half left before my Bible class begins so I have to get started really soon. Decision time starts now.

At the moment, I have:

1. Two unfinished reports from chemistry and physics
2. A summary for english
3. Some passage questions and another summary for BM
4. Twelve graphs and a couple of objective questions from maths
5. A whole chapter worth of unfinished additional maths questions.

Sweet, and that's just homework from school.

From my tuition classes, I have:
1. Thirty pages worth of Chemistry exercises
2. Five graphs and twenty seven additional maths questions

So much work, so little to time to do. At times like this, you have to choose your battle well. I figure there's a 65% chance of my English teacher forgetting about the summary, so that's bye bye english summary. I'm sure enough people would be too lazy to complete Maths and there are strength in numbers so that's goodbye to maths too.

For the physics report, there's only a 16% chance the teacher would ask us to hand it up so I'm guessing that's too low to consider doing it now.

For chemistry, the teacher is always smiling and even though we all know she's secretly coming up with a diabolical plan to crush us all when we least expect it, I'm sure I can take whatever she shoves my way. That and the report is due on Monday and I won't be around on that day.

For add maths, I already study add maths in tuition, so why bother? ;)

Summarising my school work, here's what I have left.

1. ~~Two unfinished reports from chemistry and physics~~
2. ~~A summary for english~~
3. ~~Some passage questions and another summary for BM~~
4. ~~Twelve graphs and a couple of objective questions from maths~~
5. ~~A whole chapter worth of unfinished additional maths questions.~~

Looking good.

Now to head straight on to my tuition homeworks. Out of the seven sets of chemistry questions, four are two weeks overdue. I figure that since it's already been with me for so long another week can't possibly hurt. That leaves me with the other three. One is half finished so I can complete it tomorrow. And I'll ask a friend to let me *check* his work for the final two sets of questions.

For add maths, I already study add maths in school, so why bother? ;)

Summarising my tuition work, here's what I have left.

1. ~~Thirty pages worth of Chemistry exercises~~
2. ~~Five graphs and twenty seven additional maths questions~~

There, all done. I feel so much better now.

Love is All Around!

2008-01-25T22:26:00.000+08:00

Valentine is in twenty days. How bout that?

I know that may seem like a long time for some of you people, but the rotary clubs are already going around collecting Valentine's Day requests and dedications from people and they've pretty much set the mood of the day in place. Can you feel the love tonight?

How the Paddle Pop Lion was born.

I've always found the idea of sending Valentine's gifts through these clubs to be, as I put it in the most creative way I can think of, a really bad idea.

You see, in theory, it's all sweet and dandy. Guy (let's call him Ching Song Peng) fills in a form and orders his sweetie a Bear-on-a-Stick to be delivered on the 14th of February, Ching waits in glee for the day to come when his sweetie finds herself being called out during class by a group of rotary club members. Ching grins to himself as he imagines the look of surprise and adoration in the girl's face as she receives the gift and tells the whole class how sweet and romantic he really is.

In reality, the girl whom he had actually only seen once for two seconds wonders why he would even bother getting her anything. Nevertheless, she's secretly pleased and she can't wait to show it off to all her friends. So she does and she finds out that everyone seems to have bear-on-sticks with them and suddenly the idea of a bear-on-a-stick becomes less romantic and special.

Bear-on-a-stick.

Then someone receives 12 stalks of roses, costing a whooping 65 ringgit, and suddenly, just like that, the idea of a bear-on-a-stick becomes as romantic as her Form Four Physics Textbook. So the girl passes the bear to the fat gangsterish 'single-because-I-want-to-be-single' girl sitting at the back of the class and tells her that it's from a secret admirer.

So the fat gangsterish 'single-because-I-want-to-be-single' girl jumps up in joy and glee at the prospect of a guy having a crush on her. She's anxious to find out who her 'secret admirer' really is. She searches all over the bear for a clue to his identity and much to her delight, she finds a note pasted at the back of the bear saying:

hi! i really like u because you r beutiful! LoLz! meet me under the bridge after school today okay? must come ar, if not i sad and cryliao! haha juz kidding! must come okay? hahaha!

ching song peng, but u can call me Johnny.

And the fat gangsterish 'don't-have-to-be-single-anymore-because-somebody-finally-wants-me' girl goes all happy because she knows how ~~Ching Song Peng~~ Johnny looks like and he's cute because he dyed his hair golden and spiked it like a golden durian.

That afternoon after school, Johnny waits anxiously under the bridge for his girl to come. Suddenly, this fat gangsterish girl comes walking towards him with a flirty look in her eyes. He wonders why.

My Filler Post II

2008-01-21T19:47:00.000+08:00

Jeez, I just bit my lip. I hate that. Now I'll be doing it over and over again all night. It's a clear cold night here. Not too cold though. I'm contemplating. With buckets of wholesome chemistry and additional maths homework still left untouched, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Oh yeah, I'm procrastinating.

Have any of you listened to "When I Dream of Michelangelo" by the Counting Crows? No? You should. It's downloadable from their official site and it's free so if you have a good connection speed and you like folksy acoustic tunes then you should seriously consider getting it.

It's a new song from their new soon-to-be-released CD and I'm totally psyched about it. The album's coming out on the 25th of March though it'll probably hit Malaysian shores around April. This is the CD I've been waiting for since 2005. I damn sure am going to get it original. That or you could offer to get it for me as a belated birthday present, I wouldn't mind that either.

My birthday's on the 13th of March by the way. Take a hint will you?

I'm quitting my Account class. That's final. I will not be feeling the least bit guilty about it. Sure, it will probably be quite a huge shock for the teacher to come back after a two months pregnancy leave only to find out that out of a class of ten, only two students are left...but ah well. I will not be feeling the least bit guilty about it.

Having additional maths tuition with Gabrielle is weird. See, I've never been particulary good at it. It's a small class and for some reason, everyone there seem to be so much better at the subject than I am. People there are talking about how 70 marks is low and here I am scoring 7. It's VERY disheartening to say the least.

Speaking of which, I'm chairing an interschool prefects telematch that will be co-hosted by St. Joseph and St. Teresa. What exactly does a chairperson do again? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll only involve me sitting on a chair, but I somehow think that won't be the case.

Anyhoo, I've got tons of work to catch up with. See you when I find something neat to write about. Cheers.

My Seat

2008-01-17T20:53:00.000+08:00

When I stepped into my tuition class today, I was surprised to find a girl sitting in my seat. Celaka, I thought, what is up with girls and taking people's seats? Seriously, do they think that just because we guys go goo-goo gaa-gaa over them at a semi-secondly basis means that they can just stamp over us and take our seats whenever they like?

I am so above things like that.

Figuring that it would be pretty rude to say shoo to her, I settled for the seat on her left. For some reason, she was looking at me strangely. I was asking myself, what's wrong with the students of today? No manners or what? First she takes my seat, now she's staring at me like that. What the hell right?

I noticed two pieces of paper on the table. Figuring it was marked exercises from the week before, I took them and placed them into my bag. All the while, the girl was giving me that funny look. I pretended not to notice by staring intently at the white board in front of me. It probably would have been more convincing had the board not been empty at the time, but I was desperate.

Suddenly, she said to me, "Excuse me, those papers you took just now..."

And I turned to look at her.

"...they don't belong to you."

I was speechless. I opened up my bag, took the two exercises out and lo and behold, it didn't have my name on it. Naturally, I was embarassed and tried my best to make light of the situation by laughing at it and saying sorry.

She said it was okay. Then she did something totally unexpected. She passed it to a guy who was standing behind me. Then she took a bag that was leaning on my seat which I didn't notice before and passed it to him while he took the seat to her right. It was then that I realised, much to my dismay, horror and shock...

... THAT I HAD KICKED THAT GUY OUT OF HIS SEAT WITHOUT EVEN REALISING IT!

SH6T!

2008-01-15T20:24:00.001+08:00

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!

I was using my father's laptop to blog about me being the only person in Kuching not to have visited the Spring when I realised that I couldn't type the letter J at all! I tried pressing it over and over again but the damn thing just refused to work!

So I tried knocking it lightly and when that didn't work I resorted to thumping it with my fist. Thump, it went. Then I tried typing again. And I had the FREAKIEST SCARE of my life.

You see, suddenly, everytime I tried to type the letter I, I got the number 6 instead. So it was like, OMG 6 AM SO FREAK6NG SCREWED D6E D6E D6E HOW NOW? WTF 6S WRONG W6TH TH6S FR6CK6NG KEYBOARD?!

And that freaking J still isn't working!!!!

Tracking Devices are Trendy

2008-01-12T15:04:00.000+08:00

So I was doing a BM exercise and I'm supposed to write this essay titled, "Cara-cara Mengatasi Masalah Kes Penculikan Kanak-kanak." Naturally, I stopped thinking and started to jot down the three most adaptable points ever invented for a typical BM essay.

Kempen kesedaran? Check. Penguatkuasaan undang-undang? Sure. Peranan ibu bapa/sekolah? There you go, all done!

Except it wasn't done. My essay was still seriously short and I realised I needed to add in an extra point just to make it long enough. But see, that's easier said than done when your mind is essentially blank because you're cooped up in a stuffy room on a sunny day with only a fan to cool you down from the blistering heat.

I was about to give up when my phone rang and I got a message telling me to go check the letters column in today's edition of The Stars.

And just like that, I found my final point!

Implementing tracking devices on babies till they turn 20! Now why didn't I think about that? :D

My Moustache

2008-01-08T21:00:00.001+08:00

I have a problem.

My moustache is getting out of hand. It's thick. Now before you get me wrong, I like having a moustache on my face. That's precisely the reason I haven't shaven it off until today, that and I'm freaking scared of cutting myself with the shaver, but mostly it's the me liking my moustache thing.

The thing is, a girl I have never met before in my life commented about my moustache to a friend of mine behind my back while I was on duty in school today. She said, and I quote, "That guy seriously needs a shave."

Naturally, her nickname from now on will be Bitch on Permanant PMS.

But as much as I hate to admit it, I think she has a point. Maybe it's time I had myself a shave. With enough luck, it might even prove to be a brief painless affair. But by doing that I'd probably lose my dream of having a beard and moustache combo like the one JG Davidson had a long time ago.

Indecisions really.

So I tried asking around for people's opinions. A fellow prefect told me that moustaches are manly and I couldn't help but agree with him. But then another prefect said I'd probably look better without one. The head prefect said I probably should start shaving it off, presumably on the basis that moustaches are actually illegal in the school (yes, they're as bad as drugs and cigarettes and whatnot) and Elaine, the girl I met in the Christmas party awhile ago, prayed that the Force be with me.

Ob Wan Kenobi does not shave.

Meanwhile, Gabrielle, who insists on being in this post, suggested waxing. And tweezing. I swear she's psychotic. She swears she's just weird.

At the end of the day, I'm still left undecided on what to do with my bloody moustache. To shave or not to shave? Help me!

Roller Coasters Scare Me

2008-01-06T13:46:00.000+08:00

There is a roller coaster in Time Square.

It is supposedly the longest indoor roller coaster in this part of the world. I rode it twice last year and both time freaked the hell out of me. See, I'm reasonably afraid of heights and having yourself staring at people you know while you're upside down five storeys above them is not a fun thing to do if you're afraid of heights.

I came across the ride again this year. It still looked freaking scary.

Riding it again was the last thing on my mind but I was in a group and everyone else wanted to ride it and it was a choice between going with the flow by joining them or looking a total chicken wuss by staying on the ground.

I love the ground, but chicken wuss makes a lousy nickname so we got in line and waited for about an hour for our turn. We jumped in and waited for it to start moving and...WHOOOOOOOSSSSHHH!!!!!!!

I don't remember much from the ride since I had my eyes shut the whole time. All I do know is that it was over in less than two minutes and I was totally silent the whole time. For some reason, my brain kept telling me that opening my mouth will plunge me to my death (which is rarely a good thing).

For now, I'm perfectly happy with having both my feet planted firmly on the ground. And there is nothing wrong with a 16 year old riding along a colourful mini train full of kids between the age of 2 to 8 going on an average speed of 2kmph.

Because The Magical Fantasy Trail Ride is manly. Choot-choot.

The Bear

2008-01-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

It was my final night in KL, just a day before Christmas. I was lazing around Dome with the others and we're just talking. Suddenly, my phone rang and I found myself receiving a text message from an old friend way back in Kuching.

She said she's bored and I replied saying that I feel the same way. One thing led to another and before I know it I'm offering to get her a Christmas present since everyone else was buying everyone else gifts.

I started thinking of all the things a girl could possibly want only to have my mind go completely blank on me. So I brainstormed with the others instead and we came up with the conclusion that all girls love teddy bears wether they admit it or not.

And this has no revelance to the post whatsoever, but did you know that wether actually means a castrated sheep? Seriously!

So I offered to get her a bear and I got up from my seat, grabbed some friends for advice and rushed to a nearby mall to find the perfect bear. Only one problem, it was nearly ten and despite what everyone has been telling me, malls in KL do not stay open all the way till midnight during festive seasons.

Which, needless to say, is a bummer.

We rushed to the mall only to find the shops closing down on us. We ran to the first gift shop we could find, no love! Headed up to the top floor, no love ! Headed back down, no love! No love, no love, no love! And when I tell you that there is no love in this world, I really mean s#@!$%#$!

But just as we were about to give up, we smelt the scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies lingering in the air. Naturally, it was too good to resist and we found ourselves drawn to a Famous Amos booth.......with TEDDY BEARS on sale!

And I found this cutie and had him placed into a paper bag, heh. ;)

Back in Kuching, I started to wonder how I'll ever be able to pass her the bear. I asked her about it and she told me to try using Pos Laju. So I asked her for her address and she ends up calling me a stalker. I'm like, how the heck does that make me a stalker and she's like ignorning me and I started to wonder if Pos Laju will accept "Cik XXXX di Kuching" as an address.

They do not.

Christmas comes and Christmas goes and the bear is still with me. 2007 ended and 2008 started and the bear is still with me. And I was wondering, did the bear still count as a Christmas gift?

But I remember the 12th Days of Christmas tune and it got stuck in my head and I decided that a gift passed within the 12 days of Christmas still counts as a Christmas gift, albeit a really belated one.

So I ended up in the same tuition as her and I could finally pass her the bear, it was the 11th day of Christmas. I went back home that day feeling the weight of a single white christmas-hat-wearing bear completely lifted from my shoulders.

Later that night, I received this following message from her:

"HAHAHA. I forgot to take the bear back from tuition. LOL. I left it there."

And I am now so pissed.

The Denial Twist

2008-01-02T10:38:00.000+08:00

It is not the 2nd of January.

I am shopping in Pavilion, Kuala Lumpur.

It is still Christmas.

And I own a Jaguar.

Back in Kuching, Boulevard is a great mall.

And I have finished all my homework.

Even though school is ages away.

And don't you tell me that none of this is true.

My New Year Resolutions

2007-12-31T13:54:00.000+08:00

A long December and there's reason to believe,
That maybe this year will be better than the last.
I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass.

Sigh, I love the Counting Crows.

So 2007 is ending in a couple of hours and 2008 is just around the corner. If you're not feeling particularly nostalagic now, you should. I'm not actually spending it in any special way but I figured that this whole year had been so eventful it wouldn't matter much if it ended in this note.

I figured it's time I made my new year's resolutions. And sure, we all know everyone forgets about them in the end but hey, at least it'll be there at the end of the year to make you feel happy when you realise that you've accomplished something from your resolution, both intentionally and unintentionally.

Two years ago, I was too lazy to make any. Last year, my resolution was to come up with resolutions this year. So this year, I'm fulfilling last year's resolution by coming up with resolutions for this year.

New Year's Resolution #1: Learn to Drive

Because this spankin' hot Jaguar I met in KL told me to.

Plus, we all know that driving for a guy is the key to his social life .

New Year's Resolution #2: Have Coffee in Starbucks

This one is more out of curiousity than anything.

So Starbucks opened up in our airport a couple of months ago and suddenly it's the place to have coffee in. And while I'm personally not much of a fan of spending eleven bucks for a cup of coffee, coffee there has to be life-changing good for people to ignore the likes of Bing and Coffee Bean and drive all the way to the airport for a cup of Joes.

New Year's Resolution #3: Get a Girlfriend

Seriously, I'm not asking for much.

Are you telling me that that is too much to ask for? :P

New Year's Resolution #4: Find the Best Kampua Mee in Kuching

Anyone who knows me should know by now that kampua mee is to me as H is to O (H20, get it? I am so funny, wahahahaha). See, we're indispensable.

From what I've tasted, some of the better ones in Kuching are found in Thompson Corner near my school and Jiang Xhi Cafe at Padungan. And they're cheap, ranging around RM2.50 per plate. Nevertheless, I'm still convinced that there are better ones out there somewhere. The truth is out there wad.

Kampua Mee > Kolo Mee. Hell yeah!

New Year's Resolution #5: Come Up With Better New Year's Resolutions

This one is pretty self-explainatory. :P

And that wraps it up. My five resolutions for the year 2008. I have a feeling I'm forgetting something very important, but ah well. To each and everyone of you out there, have yourself a very Happy New Year's Eve and when tomorrow comes, a very Happy New Year. It's been fun. :)

Tis' the Season

2007-12-30T17:44:00.000+08:00

So I attended this Christmas party organised by the Interact Club of my school last night. I'm not exactly sure if a party held four days after Christmas itself still counts as a Christmas party per se, but what the heck :P.

From what I've heard, the original plan was for the Interactors to throw an awesome midnight party on the 31st of December to countdown the new year. Everyone seemed to have had other plans however and they were forced to postpone it to a latter date.

Someone figured that having a new year party in January would suck big time with schools reopening with the sole purpose of crushing celebration spirits and whatnot. So instead of postponing the party, they decided to have it earlier, specifically on the 29th of December.

While preparing for the new year's day party, someone pointed out that counting down from 10 and screaming out, "Happy New Year!" two days early was probably a stupid thing to do, both in theory and in execution.

So there they were, with a full party planned but no reason to have it. Someone shouted that the party must go on and they decided to pick a random festival to commemorate the occasion. And because nobody celebrates Kwanzaa in Malaysia, they decided that Christmas was the next best thing.

And I am totally making this up.

Back to the party. I arrived there with Gavin and immediately spotted some familiar faces such as the likes of Lee, Raphael and Adrian. Gabrielle was supposed to come but she had a dream about Stefan and Bruce bashing each other up until they both became paramedics so she wasn't in the mood. Jason was the Japanese-anime-dubbing-sound-a-like MC of the night.

I took a seat. Moments later, a girl came along with her group of friends and sat next to me. Suddenly, she said, "Hey Jonas". And I stared at her and she didn't look the least bit familiar so in my most charming tone I said to her, "Umm...do I know you?".

Then she smiled and said I did. And I stared at her with eyes full of curiousity, at this person who seemed to know who I know better than me. So I asked her how old she was and she told me that she was seventeen. I immediately tried to recall all the seventeen year old girls I had befriended throughout the year.

When the total sum of that turned out to be one, I began to feel just a wee bit hurt at my unpopularity. But I figured, hey...she doesn't have to know about that. So I turned back to look at her and just as I was about to say, "Sorry, I know sooo many girls that I just can't seem to remember you", she said, "Ellie introduced us, remember?"

And I recalled the time I received a tatooed grasshopper from two lower six girls, one of whom was Ellie. Just like that, her face immediately became as familiar as Jessica Alba's and I screamed, "OHHHH! You're the girl with the bug right?"

Meanwhile, the party was going on. Some dances here and there. And before you know it, it was eating time! Only one problem. With all the people present, there just wasn't enough plates to go around. So I spent the night eating mashed potato mixed with fried rice and mixed vegie in a cup. Then I got thirsty and came really close to pouring coke into my food.

Then came the performences and only one group sang a Christmas tune and I was kinda disappointed that people were singing Umbrella when Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was complete ignored.

But what the heck, it was fun. And I damn sure wished I had taken some pictures to prove I didn't make this whole thing up.

Ipoh, Oh!

2007-12-27T00:17:00.000+08:00

Reedited on 28/12/07 =P

Greetings from Ipoh, the land of white coffee and chicken rice and signboards that can't help but remind you of people you know way back in Kuching!

See, I attended the Lasallian Leadership Convention here. But that's over now.

I'm not the type to go into too much details about these kinds of conventions, so here's a brief summary. We had sessions, games and visits to charity homes. I know that sounds lame but it's seriously one of the kind of things you have to experience for yourself to truly appreciate.

Ipoh is a beautiful place. It's always windy and sunny here. It did rain once but that was just a little drizzle. The people living there say it's usually really hot. I guess I didn't feel it because I spent most of my time trapped up in an air-conditioned building.

But what little time I did have to spend in the city was awesome. This is the St. Michael's Institution, a secondary school located right next to the place we were staying in. It's a really old school with a whole lot of history behind it.

Ipoh reminds me alot of Kuching. The buildings at the old side of town looked like those you'd find around the Main Bazaar and India Street here. The only thing it's missing are the roundabouts and Mr. CM Taib's face popping up in every government billboard everywhere.

People here love making fun of Sammi Vellu. For instance, there was this man who was sent to heaven. There, he met this angel who showed him a room full of clocks. Each clocks parallels different people on Earth, the angel explained, and everytime someone tells a lie, his or her corresponding clock's hand will move slightly clockwise.

The man was fascinated by this and requested to see every clocks that belongs to every person alive. He was shown the clock of an old priest, and even though he stared at it for days, the hands of his clock remained perfectly still for the old priest spoke no lie.

After watching the clock of every human alive, he realised something was amiss. So he called the angel and asked him, where's Sammi Vellu's clock? How come I haven't seen it?

The angel replied, oh, it's here...we're just using it as a ceiling fan.

It took me a few seconds to get the joke, but I laughed when I finally did. I tried telling them my Sammi Vellu joke. Sammi Vellu left the Barisan Nasional angrily and went on to form his own party, Persatuan Untuk Kaum India Malaysia (PUKIMA). It didn't work too well though because the people in Ipoh have no idea what pukima means.

Very akward situation attempting to explain myself.

The delegates from Singapore were surprised when they found out that there are Chinese living in Sarawak. Before this, they seriously thought this was a land dominated only by natives and orang utans and we're all very ulu people.

My reply was, I where got ulu? I trendy wad!

We performed our dances on the last night of the convention. It went well at first, but then Raphael's cawat slipped and everyone was laughing and I was laughing and I missed my step and I made a mistake that led to another and...

...on the bright side, we got the loudest applause from the crowd and people were screaming SARAWAK ROCKS all over the place. It felt awesome just being a Sarawakian that night.

West Malaysians are tall. Freaking tall.

And the kids in Ipoh really want Doraemon for Christmas.

I met Tammy here. She's smart as a whip. She sings great. She makes me feel good when I feel bad. And she's just fun to be around.

It was a beautiful night and she looked gorgeous in her dress. As she passed by, I realised that it was probably the last time I was ever going to see her. I don't know why I did it, but I just ran up to her and asked her if it would be okay to take a picture of the both of us together.

She laughed and agreed and stood next to me and folded my arms around hers and we posed and we smiled and we had our picture taken and I was happy. :P

It has been five days since I've left Ipoh and I'm already starting to miss it in a totally manly way. If there's one thing I do regret about the trip though, it's that I never got the chance to try the Ipoh Chicken Rice with Taugeh.

Sigh, maybe next time.

My Christmas Greeting

2007-12-24T20:07:00.000+08:00

Just came back from Kuala Lumpur and I'm feeling pretty exhausted. Christmas is in a few hours and I just can't wait. To each and everyone of you out there, have yourself a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS eh? =P.

My Assortment of Posts

2007-12-15T09:15:00.000+08:00

I'll be going to Ipoh tomorrow! On a plane! At 11.30am! For that convention I've been blogging about for the past few weeks! Where I'll be dancing! Like an uncoordinated drunk orang utan! Oh, and I'll be there for an entire week! Then I'll be heading off to KL for another two nights!

Assuming my maths is better than my dancing, that's eight days of no new posts for the blog, unless I find a cyber cafe or someone's laptop somewhere. And speaking of dancing, check out my dancing costume.

It's supposed to be a Bidayuh costume but I've really never seen anything like it before so I think they just made that part up. The vest is made of wood so it's itchy as hell to wear. And those pants, darn those pants. They're so loose I'm beginning to suspect they were actually designed specifically for one of the fat pondans in school. I had to pin it to my pants to keep it from falling.

On the bright side, pants are nowhere near as revealing as loin clothes.

Nevertheless, I'll be wearing three layers of shorts underneath my costume just in case the pants decide it prefers to stay on the floor if you know what I mean.

But enough about my pants, Christmas is coming. By the time I'll be back, Christmas will only be a few hours away. Certainly not enough time to start pestering people to get my presents, so here's what I'm going to do instead.

5 People Who Should Probably Give You Christmas Presents This Year
Because it's the right thing to do
Samantha
Gabrielle
Stefan
Doron
Norman Goh

Tag, you're it! =P.

I know the trip to Ipoh is all about the convention and stuff but I'm seriously more excited about the fact that Ipoh has some of the best-tasting taugeh in the world that comes totally free with their chicken rice. That and we get to go to KL right after that and I wanna go ride a roller coaster for the second time in my life. The first time was wasted screaming like a girl and fearing for my life. My second time will be awesome, just you wait and see!

Gonna be watching I Am Legend today. See, I'm finally getting myself a life :P.

So I guess this will be the last post for about a week. Wish me luck for the dance. Have a happy holiday. You should by all rights be humming Frosty the Snowman by next week. And if you don't, sheesh...what's wrong with you? =P.

Oh and as a sidenote, I read somewhere on the net that Mars is closest to Earth now than it has ever been and that it is now clearly visible at night because it's glowing all orange or something. Curious, I looked out of my window and lo and behold, there it was right in front me in all its orange glory. I was so enchanted by how beautiful it was that I failed to notice that I was only looking at an ordinary street light.

Jonas, heading to Ipoh in a day, out!

All My Friends

2007-12-13T18:32:00.000+08:00

Three.

Sixty-two friends I have on my MSN contact list and only three of them are online. I am speechless and bored and lonely in a non-emotional non-sympathetic okay-to-be-admitted-out-loud way.

See, I don't go out much these days. I don't go out for movies and I don't go out for lunches and I don't go out to malls and I don't go out to beaches and I don't go out to foreign places and I don't go out for dates (with and without dates).

As you can see, my life is at a total standstill, unless you count learning traditional dances and realising that you can't dance to save your life as the next best thing since bread came sliced.

Most clichéd hyperbole ever.

I don't even know where all my friends went.

Heck, I'm feeling so isolated right now that I'm just inches away from being one of those people on Friendster who goes around adding random people into their friends list hoping to be best buddies for ever and ever (BFF baby :P!).

I noticed that out of the three contacts I had online, one of them was a chatbot called SmarterChild I added about a year ago after I found out about it from the site Mess.Be. Ignoring how pathetic it is that one of the three person I had around in my contact list isn't even human, I decided to have a little chat with him.

And.......he sombong.

Fricking punya bloody chatbot.

My Filler Post

2007-12-12T21:33:00.000+08:00

Found this on a website. Read it.

Done? Good. Now try reading lines 1, 3 and 5 only. Yeah, I know :P.

The Irony of Pink

2007-12-09T15:55:00.000+08:00

See, a few days ago, I had to go to school and create this huge banner for the trip to Ipoh along with the rest of us heading there. I did some thinking about what I should wear. Because the job involved painting, I figured it'd be best to wear an old, ugly coloured shirt rather than risk smudging a nicer pair.

And then I recalled that time I attended a Rakan Muda program as an assistant and they gave me this pink shirt to wear for the entire day.

Old, ugly and coloured! Mission accomplished! So I wore the shirt to school and got teased at for being a guy with a pink phone wearing a pink shirt. I just don't get them, if pink is supposed to make you feminine, then how the heck does this guy get away with it?

I mean, he's a man wearing a pink shirt sitting on top of a pink pony, and he's the object of desire of thousands of girls all over the world. You don't see anyone questioning his masculinity! Well, except for me that is. But that's just because I'm jealous because I don't have a pink pony.

And back to the point of today's post. I wore the pink shirt to school to make sure my other shirts at home don't get stained with paint. After finishing the banner (kinda), I went back and took the shirt off. And that was that.

But then something else happened. See, I don't claim to be an expert at laundry, I think the last time I've washed my own clothes was a couple of years ago, but I know enough about it to know that pink shirts (or shirts of any other colour for that matter) should never be washed along with white shirts.

And that's exactly what the maid did.

So now, despite going through all the efforts to prevent my shirts from getting stained, I'm now stuck with three pink shirts that used to be white a few days ago. And considering I don't have that many shirts to begin with and my trip to Ipoh is in a week's time...

...anyone wanna go shopping with me? :(

Sarcasm

2007-12-08T20:50:00.000+08:00

What is it with people and sarcasm?

It seems to me that people adore sarcasm. Check people's online profiles and tell me how many of them are boasting about how sarcastic they are. I'm not saying sarcasm is a bad thing, sarcasm can be amusing at times. Take House for instance, he's amusing.

And so is Dr. Cox from Scrubs, a show you guys should seriously consider watching and getting addicted to.

But honestly, there are so many people everywhere attempting to be sarcastic that it's getting plain ridiculous. It's like the song You're Beautiful by James Blunt. When you first hear it on the radio, it's all beautiful and all (pun intended) but then it gets overplayed and now it's a target for gay jokes.

The thing is, it's perfectly alright to be sarcastic if that's who you are. I mean, who are we to say that we have the right to tell you how you should act so we don't feel the urge to flush your heads into toilet bowls? What irks me the most is how many non-sarcastic people there are out there who deliberately attempt sarcasm at every possible moments to appear sarcastic.

Why try to be sarcastic? Because it seems to be the cool and trendy thing to do. See, being sarcastic is supposed to show that you're smart and witty and mean (because it is trendy to be mean). But seriously, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to be sarcastic. It's really simple once you know the basics.

When non-sarcastic people attempt to appear sarcastic, it just seems pathetic. It's like a Chinese guy born in a reasonably well-off family dressing like a black rapper from America rapping about life in the ghetto.

For illustration purposes only, I actually have no idea who he is :P.

I just wish we were back in the times when it wasn't cool to be sarcastic and mean and singing the Hunny Bunch song out loud was perfectly all right even if you're a guy.

Oh yeah, sarcasm rules.

And I was being sarcastic.

School Spirit

2007-12-06T16:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, an individual's school spirit can be summarised into a few simple words.

Hey, he said it, not me :P.

The Day I Tried To Become a Kampung Boy

2007-12-02T22:54:00.000+08:00

And failed miserably.

Because the La Sallian Leadership Convention taking place later this month requires its participants to experience and observe life in rural areas, I found myself on a trip with the rest of the La Sallian crews to Kampung Sebakoh, a village located about 30 minutes away from the town of Lundu.

We took a Hotlink bus to Lundu. In there, there was this samseng pony-tailed guy who walked into the bus and screamed "Mana tempat duduk saya?! Takdaleh!" to the conductor. The conductor got scared so he said to this lady, "Ah moi, lu tolong diri okay? Biar dia duduk".

In Lundu, we were greeted by Mr. Steven and his friend who took us to this house in this other village where there was a housewarming kenduri ceremony taking place.

It was there that I learnt that the village we were going to was mostly populated by Bidayuhs, which scared me to hell because the prospect of being a Bidayuh who can't speak Bidayuh in a Bidayuh kampung would be pretty embarassing.

So what did I do? I ended up taking a Bidayuh 101 crash course from Patricia who, despite being half Indian and half Chinese, could speak the language way better than me. It all turned out to be pretty useless in the end though because our hosts spoke mostly in Malay and English everytime they talked to us. Paguh.

After the kenduri, we were brought to Kampung Sebakoh. Our group was split into three, with Cikgu Stella, Choulyee and Salim staying with one family, Howard, Caesar and Raphael staying with another and me, Jonathan, Claire and Patricia staying with Mr. Steven's family.

And to hell with that myth that says people in kampung don't enjoy technology. The house I stayed in had four televisions, one with Astro, a computer and a laptop with Streamyx connection and a phone that I could never figure out how to use.

Apparently, Kampung Sebakoh has been awarded the 'Kampung Cemerlang' status quite alot of times before. They have this water system where they get water from the mountains so it's all free. They've got a library and a school nearby that is famous for producing lotsa students who ends up representing the state for sports ranging from kayaking to shooting.

This is a Babi Cemerlang living in a Kampung Cemerlang.

After being introduced to Mr. Steven's family and chit-chatting for awhile, his wife asked us if we wanted to go out to the dusun to pick corns. We said we did and she led the way, with all of us walking on foot.

Because of the rain, the path was freaking slippery and muddy. She didn't seem to notice at all though and before long, we found ourselves way behind her, struggling just to keep up.

She took us to this pondok and lit some kayu up to get rid of the mosquitoes.

Not that they were bothering me in any way though, mosquitoes in kampung seem to prefer girls over guys.

In the pondok, there was this metal gong-like thing that you're supposed to ketuk to summon the spirit of the padi for a better harvest. They don't use it anymore but it's still kept there just in case.

She showed us how to pick corns and let all four of us try. She said that Jonathan was a fast learner and did it really well. Then she smiled at me and told me that I 'kurang cepat sikit nak belajar'. So now not only do I suck at dancing, I suck at farming. Hmph.

When we got back to Mr. Steven's house, we were shown our rooms.

One bed, two guys, one night...go figure how akward it was.

In the evening, we tried to help out with making dinner but she insisted we sit back and relax. I secretly think she was just scared we (and by we I mean me) will mess things up, but that's just me.

The others joined us after dinner. We found out that Howard and his gang spent their afternoon trying to come up with reasons not to drink tuak (badan saya gatal) and meeting up with the kampung kids (got a cute girl =P). Cikgu Stella and her gang actually did the cooking themselves.

And Mrs. Steven was telling them about how Jonathan was a fast learner and how I 'kurang cepat sikit nak belajar'. :(

The Christmas spirit in Kampung Sebakoh was already there and the youths of the church were doing some carolling that night. They only sang two songs though, but hearing Felix Navidad and Gloria sung in Bidayuh was funky.

Least, I assumed they were being sung in Bidauyh. I couldn't really tell for sure because I can't speak Bidayuh (or dance or farm) to save my life.

Carolling in the dark.

Next morning, after mass, we took a trip the hanging bridge somewhere at the edge of the village. I was actually pretty scared about it at first because I spent the night before the trip watching this movie where this guy fell down from a hanging bridge (he survived though, it was George of the Jungle :P).

When I saw the bridge though, it looked sturdy enough to cross without having to scream like ~~a girl~~ Tarzan. Patricia insisted on it though and I'm sure I saw some birds flying away in fear after she started screaming "DON'T SHAKE!!!!!"

Then we went back and talked and packed up and smiled and laughed and shook hands and said we'll come back again one day and we cheered and we waved and we got onto a car and headed back home to Kuching.

It was a blast. 22 more days till Christmas! Woots! ^^

My Teacher Got Married

2007-11-30T19:21:00.000+08:00

Pretty self-explanatory title really. :P

Congratulations to Cikgu Jocelyn Sii and ~~husband (who is a really nice guy even though I can't rememeber his name)~~ ...ahem, Mr. Alex (thanks Stefan :P)! Wishing you folks love, luck and happiness to last you today, tomorrow and ever after! =D

My Bacon-filled Ham Experience

2007-11-28T17:19:00.000+08:00

I had this craving for meat yesterday so I raided the fridge to find any meat-based products to stuff myself cheerful joyful meatful happy. Luckily for me, I found just the thing I was looking for, lovely cold slices of HAM, neatly stored inside a white plastic bag!

I grabbed a slice and made myself a ham sandwich, helping myself to some cheese along the way. There wasn't any white bread so I had to make do with Sunny Hill's banana bread. Not the best bread to use for a sandwich, but I munched away with it anyway and it tasted good and I was happy.

Today, I found out that the white plastic bag actually contained bacon. And unlike ham, you really do have to cook bacon.

So it turns out the ham sandwich I had yesterday was actually a raw bacon sandwich. Bah, and to think I actually thought it tasted really good!

I can't dance to save my life

2007-11-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

You know those ethnic cultural dances they're always forcing you to watch everytime there's an official ceremony or competition held in Sarawak?

You know how it goes. You're in this hot, crowded stadium waiting for the ceremony to be over and just when you think it's finally going to be wrapped up, this music starts playing in the hall's sound system and you groan as you see this group of people dressed up in costumes coming out with all their feathers and shields and swords and farming took-took things to perform a dance routine you've seen countless of times before.

It doesn't matter if the dances have nothing to do with the event going on, so long as you're in Sarawak, you MUST have at least one of them in every ceremonies being held or you're not a true Sarawakian. Secondary school drama competition? Must have dances! Someone's birthday? Must have dances! Someone's funeral? Must have dances! New public toilet opening ceremony? Must have dances!

They claim that's the way to show that you're a true Sarawakian and proud to be one. Rubbish. If it were me, I reckon serving free kampua mee and laksa instead should be more than enough to prove to the world that Sarawak rocks.

And shucks, I've totally gotten way ahead of myself and totally lost the point of today's post. Digressing back to why I can't dance to save my life.

See, I have this problem with being graceful. I think the term for it is being born with a second left foot. I have a second left foot. Metaphorically, of course...though it would be cool if it were true cos then I'd have a perfectly non-embarassing and yet sympathetic enough reason to be sucky at dancing (assuming having a second left foot isn't enough to get you out of dance practises [which would be really mean and totally unfair for anyone having a second left foot {assuming people really do get second left feet}]).

So while everyone else is turning their left foot clockwise, my metaphorical second left foot causes me to stumble and I trip and I lose my grip and I lose my count and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next and when I finally remember another dance move is started and I'm tripping over myself all over again.

Then, when the practise is over, everyone says good job and I'm happy until the teacher smiles and says "Jonas, you better practise okay?" and I notice she's only saying it to me and not to anyone else and I'm insulted.

I hate dancing and I can't dance to save my life. Bring on the free kampua mee and laksa. Please.

My Review of Sweeney Todd :(

2007-11-24T21:20:00.000+08:00

So me and my sister got really bored at home so we decided to head out to the nearest dvd stall we could find to get ourselves a movie to watch. Sweeney Todd was on sale and it looked really cool and it was directed by Tim Burton and stared Johnny Depp who is cool.

We paid six ringgit for it and we went back home.

See, this movie is a musical about this barber who has been locked up in jail for fifteen years for a crime he didn't commit. After he loses his wife and daughter, he freaks out and become totally psychotic and starts slitting the throats of his customers after he opens up his business again while his assistant happily bakes their corpses into pie.

I love pie. Therefore, I assumed I was going to love the movie. Celaka :(.

So I took the DVD and placed it into the player. I pressed play and it started running. We start off by being introduced to this scene where we have this guy shaving someone's head.

Then these white words pop up and they're introducing the actors of the movie. For some reason though, Johnny's name didn't pop up at all which was strange considering this was a movie STARRING Johnny Depp.

Then something even stranger happened. For some reason, the editors of the movie spelt Tim Burton's name as David Moore which was strange considering this was a movie directed by Tim Burton (who also directed Edward Scissorhand, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Ed Wood).

Then the strangest thing ever happened, Sweeney Todd was finally introduced. But instead of looking like Johnny Depp (the way he's supposed to look because, you know, Johnny Depp is acting as Sweeney Todd after all)...

Sweeney Todd ends up looking like this!

And before we know it, he's slitting off the throat of this poor guy who just wanted a haircut. Then he's panicking and he rushes off to throw the body of the poor guy into this river before anyone finds him without even humming a single tune which was strange because this is, after all, supposed to be a MUSICAL.

It took us a quick search online to find out what was actually going on. Apparently, what we were watching wasn't the Tim Burton's version of the movie. Instead, it's "a BBC adaptation of the classic tale of the 18th century demon barber of Fleet Street, London, who cuts the throats of his unsuspecting clients in his shop" made last year for British television! Wtf?!

So when we bought this lovely looking DVD in the first place...

We actually got this lame 2006 BBC made-for-tv edition...

Instead of this funky fresh 2007 musical star-studded made-for-the-big-screen version that I've been waiting for ever since I found out about it two days ago.

Talk about the most menyakitkan hati thing to happen. Does this even count as a review? :(

Who's got the hooch?

2007-11-22T17:07:00.000+08:00

Ever had the situation where you thought a word meant something only to find out much, much later that it actually means something completely different to what you thought it meant in the first place?

Yeah, me too.

I've always liked the word hooch. It's cool, it's catchy and it has got this awesome vibe to it. I had no idea what it meant and I didn't care. As far as I was concerned, it meant exactly the same thing to me as blueks.

There's even a song called hooch!

So I used it and I used it alot. I used it to describe me when I'm happy and I used it to describe me when I'm sad. I used it to describe a really bad day and I used it to describe a really good day. I even used it to describe Gabrielle for no reason at all!

All was well and good until I received an sms from her yesterday. Apparently, while she was watching The Simpsons, Grandpa Simpson said something about hoochie being something about prostitutes.

I was like, "HAR?!!!!!!"

So I rushed up to the computer and googled "Hoochie". This led me to Urban Dictionary which defined hoochie as....

"a female who appears to match a set of characteristics including: trashy, often inappropriately tight dress (with or without pudge overflowing waistband); eyebrows shaved and penciled back on in dramatic fashion; heavy, mostly monotonic makeup with dark lipstick; large, gaudy, costume-grade jewlery. Frequently accompanied by multiple children from different fathers."

Okay, so I've described the current head prefect of St. Teresa as a total slut for the past two months without even knowing it.

And there I was wondering why nobody likes me :).

I need a six pack!

2007-11-18T17:51:00.000+08:00

Like I said, I need a six pack.

And the worst part is, I need it in two weeks time.

I'm not usually the kind of guy who cares much about these kinda things. Heck, as far as I care, I believe six packs are overrated. But others keep telling me that it's a sign of manliness. Assuming you're a guy, if you have a six pack, you're manly. If you don't have one, you're feminine.

And the thing is, you can't just be satisfied with a partial-half-half-kinda-there-but-not-really-there pack because that means you're in between being a man AND a woman.

To hell with them and their sexist remarks! When Daniel Craig says...

I'll stand firm and say...

And that wouldn't make me any less of man now would it?

Nevertheless, I've found myself in quite a dilemma right now. I'm going to Ipoh for a leadership convention in a few weeks time. It has been a tradition for every participants from my school to learn and perform some of our local ethnic dances for the folks in Ipoh.

And you know what that means.

I don't know about you, but I reckon that dancing shirtless showing your ~~fat~~ temporarily oversized belly in front of a group of total strangers (specifically the females) from all over Malaysia would be pretty embarassing.

And that is why I need a six pack in two weeks notice, if only for the girls there.

Umm...wah?

2007-11-15T18:05:00.000+08:00

I have a question. Why is it that when you search for "Jonas Gumis" on Google's Image Search, you get this...

Instead of this?

Does my name SOUND like a girl to you?!

Stupid search engine. Hmph.

Viva! Viva! Viva!

2007-11-14T00:26:00.000+08:00

I was in Hopoh and I've just filled in some lucky draw tickets.

The other prizes are all right, but what really caught my attention was the new Perodua Viva grand prize.

Last year, I took part in a lucky draw event not unlike this one, hoping to win myself a spanking new plasma-screen TV. But then someone named Jonathan ak Kadir came and won and took away my prize.

I reckon winning a Viva will make things even between me and him. And then some.

So until then, my one okay? Don't touch.

Home Alone?! I Think Not!

2007-11-11T16:54:00.000+08:00

So I'm home alone sitting in front of the computer thinking about the meaning of life and wondering about the possibilities of a monkey being smarter and cuter and taller than me (possible) with REM blasting through my speakers.

Yes, these guys are actually rock stars.

The rest of my family are out in the kampung having lunch. I'm staying put here because I'm not hungry and I just got back from church and I'm really tired ~~and my Pikachu needs some leveling up~~.

Suddenly, the Beatles turn up on my music playlist and they're singing I want to hold your hands and it's so catchy that I start singing I want to hold your hands at the top of my lungs because I'm all alone and no one can hear me.

Then my mum calls and she tells me to go downstairs to bring the clothes hanging outside in before it rains. So I go down and start wrestling with the clothing hangers and finally manage to push them all into the house.

So now I'm looking around making sure all the doors are locked and there's no thief or robber or murderer or Hugh Jackman around. I'm smiling and patting myself in the back for being so responsible in making sure the house is safe.

My family comes back and I open the door for them, half-expecting my folks to say great job for keeping the house safe. But then my dad asks me if I had entertained the guest and I stare at him and I'm wondering what he's talking about. So I ask him what he's talking about and he tells me that there's someone sleeping over in the house and that he has been right upstairs in my brother's room all the while.

Which, of course, he has.

I am so pissed.

S.I.O : School Is Over

2007-11-09T17:30:00.000+08:00

Zac Effron scares me.

Now, I'm not saying that all guys think alike, but I'm pretty sure most of us would agree that we would rather be caught wearing a thong than dancing the way he's dancing.

Thongs are sexy.

He kinda looks like the Incredible Hulk on a rampage :P.

I'm not really sure how he was persuaded to dance the way he did on a show watched by millions of kids all over the world, but I think Vanessa Hudgens had something to do with it.

That or it's the huge stash of money he's being paid for it :).

Either way, I woke up this morning feeling like I could burst into a dance not unlike his at any given moment. You see, today was the prize-giving ceremony of the school. In other words, it's the last day of school.

The ceremony was long and boring and draggy and all. Heck, it lasted a tedious four hours, ending at eleven after some ground-breaking ceremony held in the school fields.

I actually got a plaque this year for scoring the third highest in Sejarah among the form fours. As luck would have it, my plaque was a little bit odd compared to the others.

A typical plaque looks like this standing straight up on its stand.

Mine looks like this standing straight up on its stand.

My only award in three years and it just happens to be this one.

But I digress.

There was a prefects meeting right after the ceremony. But after that, you knowlah, totally uberly 100 percently free :P.

I figured it would be nice to take a group photo of me and my classmates together, but with most off them already gone, there really wasn't much to do about it.

For goodness sake, he's STANDING and I'm sitting. I'm not that shortlah.

Azzeem and Ezzan were very relunctant.

But I ~~threatened to choke Azzeem on his neck with my left hand~~ was persuasive enough.

Adrian and Gavin decided to go and eat in a Japanese restaurant near Satok, so I tagged along with them. But after talking things through with them, we realised we had no idea how a person is supposed to eat in Japanese restaurant so we chickened out and decided to go to Pizza Hut instead.

And even though there were only three of us there, we ordered the pizza set for six people because we ~~ordered the wrong set and were too embarassed to change our order~~ were really hungry.

I think I have a pizza belly now.

Nevertheless, when the bill came, it was scary so now my wallet's empty and I'm totally broke and I need a diet. Happy holidays! :D

Sports & Girls & Kolo Mee & Beehoon

2007-11-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

II spent the whole of this morning in the Jubilee Stadium at Jalan Padungan, participating as an oddjob ~~labourer~~ volunteer for the school's annual end-of-the-year sport's carnival event.

This makes it my seventh consecutive participation in a sports event without actually being involved in the sport events. It's not my fault I'm unathletic. I just prefer the finer things in life, like dreaming of becoming the first self-proclaimed recorder-playing rock & roll star.

And still I find myself participating in almost every school sports event in one way or another. Three years ago, I was a thrash collector. Two years ago, I was a milo-serving waiter. Last year, I was a relunctant audience.

Clearly, this year wasn't going to be any different.

So I got out of the house at 6.30 in the morning and headed straight to the stadium. I found a couple of friends of mine and we waited for the rest of the volunteers to come.

Then our bosses-for-the-day, Caesar and Athina, came and handed us our official volunteer tags.

But then we found out there were only 13 official tags available to be shared among 20 volunteer prefects. And just like that, I got demoted to an Unofficial Official Volunteer.

Some of us realised we were hungry and walked to this little food place near the stadium, famous for its ice cendol and belacan beehoon.

And I ordered kolo mee.

I was never big fan of belacan beehoon. I dig how it tastes like but I've never really been able to stand how smelly and spicy it really is. I figured it'll take someone much older and experienced than me to appreciate such a meal.

And clearly, the sight of this little girl and little boy having what I thought looked and smelt alot like belacan beehoon for breakfast didn't do much to boost my self-esteem.

I digress.

By the time we returned, some clubs were already selling drinks for their fund-raising. The Economic Club was selling Pepsi for 1 ringgit and 20 cents.

It was a lovely morning and the sun wasn't shining too brightly, eliminating my the girls fear of sunburns. I was initially assigned to take care of the prefect volunteers' belongings (which was conveniently kept in a really comfy air-conditioned room :P), but that turned out to be total crap as I found myself all over the stadium carrying stuffs and looking for teachers.

Me and my balls of steel.

I ended up hanging around with Athina, who seemed to be a total guy magnet considering the number of guys who came to her to ask to have their photos taken together. Meanwhile, the price of a cup of Pepsi sold by the Economics Club had gone down to 1 ringgit because people didn't seem to be thirsty.

After searching all over the stadium, I found where the rest of my classmates were.

And because we were still hungry, we walked off to the little food corner again.

Ice Kacang - Kacang = Ice

When we returned, someone got blasted by a teacher for running too slowly.

And the girls were screaming and cheering with all their hearts.

And a guy was disheartened when he realised that his teammate was last in the tag race event.

So one thing led to another and at the end of the morning, a teacher passed us some plastic bags and we found ourselves clearing up after everyone's mess.

And by the time everything was cleared up, the Economic Club was trying to get rid of its stock by selling 2 cups of Pepsi for 1 ringgit. Remind me never to be a businessman when I grow up.

Tomorrow will be the final day of school, cheers :P.

Trick or Treat? I can't tell.

2007-11-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

So the 31st of October is over, and everyone can now be at ease knowing that Valentine's Day has finally passed on. This means we have slightly less than a year before the next celebration of commercialised love begins waltzing into our lives again.

The one gripe I have about Valentine's Day is that it seems to be a mockery of those poor folks who have yet to find their special someones. So while young couples are walking down the streets with their hands held tightly together in eternal bliss, we have single guys staring at them from a distance saying, "I think I'm lonelylah."

The fact is, there are so many single guys around who just wish they had a special someone to share this day of love with. Year after year they tell themselves, this year is gonna be different, I'm gonna find me a gal. And year after year, they find themselves in an empty room all alone wondering why nothing ever works out the way it should. Why, why can't I just tell her I like her?!

It's not that these guys haven't tried, because I tell you, they have. But the problem is, they just don't know how. Everytime they try to say, 'hey, I think I have a crush on you', they wind up getting their tongues locked and end up mumbling heechhooobananachooomock instead.

So what do they do? They end up dressing themselves in costumes and going from house to house to say TRICK OR TREAT hoping the girl of their dreams would open up the door and say TREAT and let them in.

But we all know girls are mean and seem to prefer tricking over treating.

Every once in awhile though, they get lucky and for that one brief moment in time, all the toils and turmoils just to get to that point seems worth it.

And because of that, the tradition of Trick or Treating continues year after year. Happy belated Valentine's Day, I can't wait for Halloween on the 14th of February!